Oct 27, 2011

Q & A - How Do I Win Her Back?

Q. Dear Alannah,

My reason for contacting you today is because I'm in need of your expert advice.  I've checked almost all of your videos and I have to say that I am really impressed with what you had to say, especially when it comes to women.

You see my problem is that the girl I love recently left me because she said that she is no longer attracted to me.  She told me that she no longer sees me in a romantic light.  I think that this has to do with me working far away from her for weeks at a time.  Other than that I did not see any other problem in the relationship.  I believe she is currently seeing other guys, but I don't think that anything is going on...yet.  I think I still have a chance to win her back.  But, I need your help.  We broke up about two weeks ago, but during the break up she broke off all communications with me.  I couldn't call, text, or email her at all.  As of yesterday she finally decided to call me and said that she would like to be my friend so that she could take care of me.  My question for you is at this stage, should I give up all hope or should I fight to win her back?  If I should fight for her then would asking her out this early ruin the chances for me?  I've been thinking about giving her a call, but am afraid that she might say she's busy or something.  What do I need to do to get her attracted to me again?  I'm so confused!

Sincerely,

Sam

A. Dear Sam,

Your best bet here is to take your ex-girlfriend up on her offer of "friendship", but do not pursue her back (just yet).  That is exactly what she will be expecting, and if you pursue her right away, chances are, it'll backfire and she'll just end up backing off again.  The best thing to do right now is to go ahead and be her "friend", and hang out with her, flirt with her, be fun and confident, but don't act like you are missing her.  Don't tell her you miss her, don't give the appearance that you are sitting around waiting for her phone call and pining away for her (even if you really are!).

The reason for this is because people want what they can't have, and if she feels that you seem to be doing fine without her and don't seem to be missing her much, your value suddenly goes up.  I'm assuming from what you've said so far that your work situation still hasn't changed since you two broke up?  And from what you said ("I couldn't call, text, or email her at all") that she was calling the shots on the terms of the break-up? If so, the times that you do end up talking to her/spending time with her during this "friendship" phase will be very important.  Show her how fun you are (why she fell for you in the first place), but do not show any signs of neediness or trying to win her back.  Basically, show her what she is missing!  Don't be afraid to spend time with your friends again, and don't go out of your way to spend time with her like you did when she was your girlfriend.

If there is any chance of rekindling that spark, doing the above moves will help rekindle it.  Once you feel your "friendship" is moving towards a romantic direction again, let her be the one to bring up getting back together again (since she was the one to break things off).  If/When she does bring up getting back together again, have a heart-to-heart with her to make sure that the things that broke you two up in the first place can be resolved/worked out this time around (such as a lack of romance, keeping the spark alive in the relationship when apart for long time periods, etc.).

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!

Alannah

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