Jul 30, 2011

Q & A - At the End of the Line

Q. Dear Alannah,

How do you do?  I don't know if you remember me, but I came to you for advice about the beginning of last year for advice about a guy I had a crush on in college at the time.  I asked for advice on how I could get him to notice me and so on.  Well, your advice worked wonderfully and we have been dating since then.  But once again, I'm in need of your help. 

Lately, I feel as though the connection between us from the beginning of the relationship until now has not been the same.  We argue a lot lately, and sometimes it gets worse.  My biggest problem with him is that games, such as the PS3 and card games, seem to be the only thing that his world revolves around lately, and sometimes I feel as though I somewhat don't exist to him. After being with him for over a year, it's been getting quite annoying.  Nothing is wrong with a guy having fun, playing games or whatever he does, once he knows his girlfriend is still one of his priorities in his life.  But, he never stops.  He always spends 3/4 of his salary on games, and when I talk to him about it, it turns into a battle.  Not to mention talking to him about anything these days, especially saying, "I love you"; it seems so robotic when he says it now and with no heart. 

All I want is simply someone who can make me feel comfortable and give me some attention at least; I can't remember the last time he told me I looked beautiful or really gave me much affection.  I can't be the one always running him down to tell or correct him about the way he treats me all the time.  And don't even talk about his temper; I don't know what to do anymore.  Am I wasting my time?  Please help!

Sincerely,

Exasperated Girlfriend


A. Dear Exasperated Girl,

Yes, of course I remember you!  I'm sorry to hear about your current situation.  Your boyfriend's behavior does sound very immature and selfish, and I'm assuming by this point that you have spoken with him about it a few times already, but to no avail.  Although the talks with him must be pretty tiring by now, do it just one more time.  Let him know that you're trying to work with him to make your relationship work, and that it's been very difficult for you to communicate with him lately.  Tell him what you've told me just now, but let him know that it's out of concern for your relationship, and that you're not trying to place blame, but that you want to work together with him to see how you both can make your relationship work and fix the problems you've been having.

If, after talking to him, you don't see any sort of change or attempt to change on his part, a way to prompt him into action (if he has it in him to change) is to slowly start backing away.  Don't chase after him, stop calling as often or trying to make plans with him, and focus more on your friends, your family, work/school, and other activities in your life.  He's been used to you chasing after him for so long, if this last talk doesn't get through to him, he's probably expecting you to drop everything and run after him again.  Do be aware though, that once you do this, one of two things will happen:

1) He'll realize that he'll lose you if he doesn't change, and he'll make the changes necessary to improve your relationship.

2) He won't do anything, and you'll either have to start chasing him again to make things work, or end the relationship.

Only do this if you're tired of being the constant pursuer in the relationship and are at the end of the line; if he has it in him to change, pulling back will prompt him to action.  If he has lost interest or isn't capable of changing, though, he may do nothing, which will give you your answer as to whether or not he is worth it.  A relationship takes two people to work, and if he isn't willing to put in his fair share, you may be better off finding someone else who has his priorities straight and will know how to treat you right.  It's a difficult decision, but you need to take care of yourself and do what's right for you.  Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.

Alannah

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