Q & A - My Friend's Boyfriend is An Asshole

Q. Dear Alannah,

My best friend's boyfriend is an asshole, and I'm tired of him mistreating her.  He has cheated on her, lies to her all the time, verbally and emotionally abuses her, and constantly makes her sad.  Everyone around her knows he is nothing but a scumbag, but still my friend sticks around, even though all her friends (including me) tell her to break it off with him.  She used to be a very happy, outgoing, social person, but ever since they started dating almost 2 years ago, it's slowly gone away.  She's always paranoid, checking up on him, wanting to know where he's at, and if they're not fighting, then she's just waiting to see what bad thing he's going to do next.

I don't know what to do, but as her friend, I feel that there must be something I can do to help her get out of this destructive relationship.  Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,

Angie

A. Dear Angie,

As far as telling her to back off from him, the more you and everyone else tells her do that, the more she will want to be with him.  It sounds like she is stuck in a cycle with him, and could be staying for many different reasons, the biggest, overarching one being his "bad boy" appeal (the main reason many females would stay in a bad relationship), thinking she may be able to "change" him.  Of course, as we all know, that's almost never the case with what happens. 

Instead of trying to get her to listen to you and what everyone else is saying, you could do something slightly "sneakier" by introducing her to guy friends of yours who are gentlemen, actual "good boyfriend" material.  Now, I definitely don't advocate cheating, but introducing her to "good" guys isn't a bad thing, and it would let her see that there are other, much more suitable guys for her to date beyond her hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

Also, another means of getting her to wake up and smell the coffee is through tough love; every time her boyfriend has screwed up or done something bad, you've most likely been there to listen to her bitch and complain about it.  Since you've already made it clear to her how you feel about him, let her know from now on that if she's feeling down, you'll be there with her, keep her company, and spend time with her, but that you don't want to hear about him anymore unless she's ready to "do something about it". 

It may be hard, but you're letting her know your stance on it, while at the same time letting her know you support her (and not him). Soon, she'll hopefully start to realize and see for herself what a loser this guy is, and break things off for good. 

Alannah