Q & A - I'm In A Relationship, But Have Feelings Someone For Else

Q. Dear Alannah,

So, I've been having a problem and figured you could help.  I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now.  We were good friends before we started dating, and then it developed into more than that.  We've been really close, and haven't had any issues.  We're both good communicators and whenever we have an issue, we work it out, but I'm not always happy.  That's an issue we haven't talked about...

So anyways, recently I met one of my best friend's (Kevin) childhood friends (Jean).  Jean goes to school in another city so she is rarely around, but I can't seem to stop thinking about her.

I met her about a month ago and we talked a bit.  I actually dated someone that went to her school, so we had a bit in common to talk about.  After the first few meetings, we started talking on Facebook.  But it felt weird, I felt like I wasn't being truthful/faithful, and at one point my girlfriend brought Jean up.  She asked who she was, not in an accusing way, just out of curiosity.  I got really defensive, or a better word would be nervous.  It was really weird...

So ever since then, whenever I see Kevin, I always ask/talk about Jean, and she's on my mind quite a lot. Honestly I feel like I should be with Jean...that's how strong my feelings are for her.  I like a lot about her, but then again, I barely know her, and I know I'm not her type.  She probably doesn't even think about me like that, while I think about her way to much...

I haven't really been feeling super happy with my girlfriend.  She's great, but it doesn't feel right.  I'm really conflicted...what should I do?

Sincerely,

Chris

A. Dear Chris,

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation - it sounds tough, but the way I see it, you have two options:

1) End things with your girlfriend so you can be free to date someone else.

2) Try to work things out with your girlfriend to see if your relationship can be improved and saved, and cut off all contact with Jean.

There are pros and cons to both choices. If you decide to go with the first choice, for instance, which is to break up with your girlfriend and see others, the pros are that you'll be free to pursue things with Jean, and that even if things with her don't work out, staying in a relationship where you're not happy means that there would possibly be "other" Jean's later on, other people coming along whom you're attracted to when you aren't available. The cons would be that you could be leaving a great relationship without having given it your all, and may truly regret it later on, especially if things don't work out with Jean (as you pointed out, you're not sure if you're her type, or if she would even be interested).

Before deciding on whether or not you want out, you should first ask yourself a few things - you said you haven't been happy recently.  Do you know why this is? For instance, do you feel that the intimacy is lacking in your relationship, that you two have grown apart, or that maybe you and your girlfriend's bond is more of a "friendship"-type bond, and less of a romantic one? Whatever problems that are causing you to feel unhappy, are those problems fixable?  If they are, but you just haven't communicated them to you girlfriend yet, you might want to try to talk to her about it first, and see if it's something that the two of you could work on together before deciding to call it quits.

If you do decide to try to work things out with your girlfriend, I would definitely suggest cutting off all contact with Jean, and not talking about her with your friend any longer. (This lets you avoid any potentially compromising situations that could hurt your relationship, so that you can work on fixing it.)

If, after thinking through the problems in your relationship, you decide that they can't be fixed, though (such as the two of you growing apart, or your bond is feeling more like a friendship than a romantic one), then your current unhappiness may be a sign that it may be time to break things off and end the relationship.

Whatever you decide, I know it won't be easy - good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.

Alannah