Q & A - Four Years and Tired of Waiting

Q. Dear Alannah,

I've been in a relationship for about 4 years now.  I am 25, and my boyfriend just turned 30.  We've talked about marriage before, but he keeps delaying it into the future and pushing it off.  Everyone around me is getting married, having babies, and moving forward in their relationships, but my boyfriend keeps delaying marriage for us.  We've had "the marriage talk" before and he tells me that someday we'll get married, but more and more each day I feel like that "someday" is just never going to happen.  I can understand why he would've wanted to wait when I was younger, like still 21 or even 23, but come on...it's been 4 years now!  I know it's NOT a race to get married, and I'm generally a patient person, but it's becoming more evident to me over the past few months that 4 years is clearly pushing my limit.

Another thing that bothers me is that when we talk about it, he seems to always have an excuse.  Like, "Oh I just have so much going on at work right now, I'm so busy." OR "I really want to get school out of the way," (which he has officially completed now, by the way).  Now, his current excuse is getting home renovations out of the way.  A friend of mine recently got engaged and her fiancé bought her a $10,000 engagement ring (I don't expect something that expensive, by the way; in fact, I don't care much about the cost) and I told him about it, just to see what he would say.  Well, he said that he couldn't believe that my friend's fiancé would spend that much on a ring, and then proceeded to tell me that I would never be getting anything worth that much for me if we got engaged, and that I'd be lucky to get a ring half that cost.  That weekend, we flew out of town for a little trip together, and he ended up buying HIMSELF a piece of art...worth, you guessed it, $10,000.  I did not say a word.

Also, whenever he's around his brothers and friends and the marriage topic comes up, he puts on a big show. He always says that he has too much going on to even think about marriage, and that MAYBE in a few more years, it could happen; it makes me feel like I am nothing.

I guess after being with this guy for 4 years, I feel like I deserve better treatment than that.  We've taken every step in our relationship that we possibly could; now, the only thing left is marriage, and it just doesn't seem like it will happen.  We've moved in together - I left all of my friends and family and moved with him to a different city so he could start another job...I've done it all for him, and that was almost 2 years ago!!!

While we were laying in bed last night, I asked him if he wanted to be with me forever, and his response was, "Well I'm with you now, aren't I?"  I'm not sure what to think about that, but it definitely wasn't the response I was looking for.  I guess I'm just feeling confused as to what I should do in my current situation.  Do I stick it out and possibly waste another 4 years and be strung along, or do I finally just pull the pin and end things?  I'm scared of leaving for fear of starting over and finding my own place, I don't know if I could afford it, ALL of my family and friends live 8 hours away, and I do not have anyone here.  I'd have to find a new job, because we both work with the same company.  All of this is stopping me from making a decision.  I'm just so tired of being his second priority...what should I do?

Sincerely,

Miranda

A. Dear Miranda,

Your boyfriend sounds pretty selfish, and I'm sorry to say this, but, he either is not in to you enough to want to marry you, or does not ever want to get married at all.  He keeps on giving reasons why he can't get married, and keeps moving the deadline; how much longer are you willing to wait?  3 or 4 more years until you hear the final answer is no?  Don't waste anymore time on him, and go find someone who will want to marry you after 4 years and won't leave you guessing!  Tell him you're through waiting for him and dump his ass.  Staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere because it's the most convenient choice at the moment will only lead to more unhappiness for you in the long run.  Look for a roommate or room you could rent for awhile (since you don't know anyone in town) and move out ASAP!

(Typically, I don't believe there should be a deadline for marriage, but if you've been dating someone for awhile, and you've already discussed marriage with them and set a tentative time period, if they keep pushing it out, that is a major red flag that this person is probably not wanting to get married.  If marriage is important to you, it's in your best interest to decide whether you're okay with not ever getting married and staying with them for the long haul, or cutting your losses and leaving.)

On the off-chance that this prompts him to get down on one knee and propose, I would think very long and hard before accepting a proposal from this guy...last minute, I'm-only-marrying-you-so-I-won't-lose-you proposals are pretty disingenuous (for the most part) in my opinion, and I'd rethink all the things you know about him before saying yes.  He puts himself first always ($10,000 artwork for himself, but you're lucky if you get a $5,000 ring??), doesn't mind making you look bad in front of his friends and family by downplaying his commitment to you, and has given multiple broken promises by pushing the deadline out time after time - sounds pretty selfish, jerky, and unreliable to me.

Forget this guy, and find someone who - after four years of dating - won't leave you guessing as to his true intentions with you.

Alannah