Q & A - First Love

Q. Dear Alannah,

I have a problem.  Recently, I was contacted by an ex-girlfriend (not just any ex, but my "first love", you could say), and I don't know what I should do.  Let me give you the backstory. 

We met 6 years ago online while we were both still in high school, and lived 1,000 miles apart at the time.  We were friends at first, but eventually developed feelings for each other and started dating long-distance for about a year or so (I would travel to her town several times a year and stay 2-3 weeks at a time to see her).  Once we both turned 18, she moved north to live with me. 

We lived together for one and a half years, and were very happy; we felt like nothing could get in our way.  Her parents, though, weren't so happy; her family had opposed our relationship from the beginning, saying we were too young to get so serious, and wanted her to focus on school.  Then one day she went home to visit her family, and they convinced her to break up with me - I was devastated.  During the first month after the break-up, we would call each other, but ended up fighting so much. 

I started drinking a lot to forget the pain.  I tried to forget about her, but it didn't work, so I just drank some more.  It's been 6 months since we broke up, and I still think about her.  I've tried to start dating other girls to get her off my mind, but I haven't gotten far enough to be able to even kiss another female, because I'm not fully over her.  Recently though, I met this girl who I've become interested in, and I was thinking this is someone I wouldn't mind getting to know better.  I was ready to try to really start moving forward, because I believed my ex no longer had feelings for me.

Then yesterday, she sent me a message online saying that she missed me and our relationship.  I responded back, and we set up a time to talk on the phone.  We ended up talking for over 6 hours, and we both said how much we missed each other and our relationship; we both confessed that we still have feelings for each other.  We're both in a difficult situation right now, though, in that she's going to school down south on grants, and I'm up north working and going to school.

My question is, should I restart everything with her and move back down south to be with her, or should I just move on?  Maybe I could wait down the road, and we could get back together then?  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Robert

A. Dear Robert,

First off, you need to look at the big picture here - if you moved back down south to be with your ex, will all the problems that broke you two up in the first place still be there?  I'm assuming yes (such as her meddling family, for instance).  Also, how do you know she's in the same place as you (as in, wanting to get back together)?  The only way to find out is to talk to her about it.  Before doing that, though, think about how everything will pan out - the only way it can work out again is if she's willing to put in more effort and is able to make her own decisions this time (and not let her family think for her).

I think you should have a long talk with her to see where her head's at, and what she's wanting out of this; make sure she's not calling you to reminisce just because of nolstalgia, and that she actually is interested in getting back together - make sure it's not just to talk about "the good ole times".

Then, once you've talked to her and she confirms that she'd like to give it another shot, I'd say to do the long-distance thing for at least 6 months to see how committed she is before taking the leap and moving down there - you definitely don't want history repeating itself. 

If when you talk to her, though, she seems ambivalent and doesn't seem willing to try to put in more effort into changing things this time around (and you don't feel that things will be any different from last time), I'd say to move on.  It takes two to make a relationship work, and you can't do it all on your own.

Good luck!

Alannah