Q & A - Are We or Aren't We?

A. Dear Alannah,

So, I've been seeing this guy for almost 2 months now. Things are going great--like, scary great. I've never felt like this about anyone...things between us are just so...easy, like completely effortless. It's so strange to me.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, he brought up the relationship topic. He said that he's not seeing anyone else, and that he likes being with me and would be ready to be in a relationship if I was. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was to the point of, "I'm not quite there yet, but I'll let you know."

So, this past weekend, the topic somehow came up again...and I, in a few words, let him know that I was ready to talk about it, and was open to the idea. Then, he totally backtracked!! He keeps saying he doesn't want to put that label on it, and maybe would consider it in another few months and what-not. I'm shocked. I mean, I didn't want to pressure him into it if he wanted to backtrack, so I just dropped the subject.

But then, he kept bringing it up, and then kept backtracking and joking around it. At one point he said that I was practically his girlfriend...and then said, "Let's just do this thing", in a kind of exasperated manner. I laughed and said that he didn't make it sound too appealing when he put it that way. Which, now I realize might not have been the best response.  It made me feel like I was pushing him, though, when he was the one who kept bringing it up. I have made it a point not to push him at all, because I know that never ends well and it's still early in our "relationship".

So, is he yo-yoing on the subject because I'm not giving him the "answer" that he wants to hear? Or is he really just confused? I mean, the more I think it over...why else would he say these things and not really want this to be something more? Am I the one who is giving mixed signals here?!

Sincerely,

One Frustrated Girl

Q. Dear Frustrated Girl,

I think you both have been giving mixed signals here, and someone needs to step up and be firm about what they're thinking and where they stand, and that person might as well be you.  I think that the first time he brought up this topic, he was ready for a relationship, but after hearing your response, became worried and entered into "protective" mode, and now is dancing back and forth because he's trying to save face and not get hurt.  Now, you've been doing the same, and this cycle will continue until one of you decides to put an end to it.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with him, and tell him that you are ready to be exclusive and don't want to go back and forth on it anymore.  Let him know that you enjoy spending time with him, and that you don't want to date anyone else.  His ego was probably wounded when you first told him that you weren't ready (even though you were only being honest, so no need to beat yourself up over it), so he probably needs a few sweet words as "cushion" to encourage him to open up again. 

If he's truly interested, this should encourage him to be upfront and honest about his feelings.  If he continues to be skittish, however, he may actually have had a change of heart, may actually not be ready to be in a relationship yet, and/or plays too many mind games, at which point you'll need to decide whether or not you'll want to continue seeing him.  (My guess, though, is that he's just concerned with being hurt, and just needs a little encouragement to open up again.)

Good luck!

Alannah