Q & A - Progression of a Relationship

Q. Dear Alannah,

My girlfriend, Jenny, has been away in China for 6 months for work, and is coming back at the end of this month.  I'm really excited for her to be back, and can't wait!

Everything has been good between us. During the time she was away, we would talk almost every day and spend at least 2 hours a day on the phone or webcam-ing, keeping the long-distance dream alive. Recently, though, I've really started to miss her...this made me wonder, "Did I not miss her before?" That's an issue I've been frustrated with.

Anyhow, here's the big one. When she comes back, what's going to happen with us? Do I love her?  I think I do! I promised myself when my ex-girlfriend cheated on me in my last relationship that I wouldn't fall in love so easily again. But, Jenny is AMAZING! I accidentally told her I loved her a few days ago over the phone...she usually calls me early in the morning and one morning, I was talking to her and sleepily said, "Awww, I love you so much, Jenny..." And she replied, " I love you, too!"

Of course I had wanted to tell her this in a more romantic way - in person - once she had gotten back from overseas, so I was a bit embarrassed.  Anyhow, one of the reasons I had stopped myself from telling her that I loved her and had stopped myself from really committing to her (talking to her about the future and stuff), is because she had never had a boyfriend before, until me...I'm afraid she is going to wonder what else is out there...I'm just afraid of commitment in general!

Do I talk to her about the future and whatever? What do I do? Is it implied that if I have a relationship with her that she wants to get married and all that?

I have always been afraid of being too clingy and I try my best not to think too much into the future. But I really see my self with Jenny... Not now but when it's the right time for both of us. I don't know if I should express that to her. Will that scare her? We will have been going out for a year in February. Is that too soon? Am I too young? Is it the Honeymoon period, and I am just infatuated?  I don't even know what to look for or what to say about it...

As an aside, though, she has already introduced me to her parents... They are soooo (I can't express how awesome they are) NICE!! They really like me! I really think Jenny wants to meet my parents, because she was kind of hinting at it before she left for China 6 months ago.  The problem is that my parents don't want me dating anyone, not now at least. I know they will support any decision I make in the future, but I know my dad feels that a girlfriend will only distract me from my studies in college right now. I don't know what my dad wants from me...we don't really get along.

My mom knows about Jenny, I had told her about her. I'm sure my dad knows about Jenny as well, or at least that I'm seeing someone. Parents aren't dumb...I've learned this the hard way...

So, my two major questions are:

1) How do I tell if I'm serious about Jenny, and what should I do about it?
2) What should I do about my parents? I know everything would be amazing with whomever I date as long as I graduate from University first. (I have a year left...hopefully.)

This stuff has been on my mind for a while...I don't know what the point of dating someone is... I'm not really tring to get into Jenny's pants...I guess I just want companionship but is that all I want? I can't seem to
answer that!

I just miss her so much...it's 18 days until she comes back and every minute seems to take longer...and there is the possiblity that she might go away to school in September after she comes back...that really worries me as well...

What do you think of the situation, and what should I do?  Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Truly In Love?

A. Dear Truly In Love,

It sounds like your relationship is going well and headed in a good direction.  That's wonderful that she's said "I love you" back, so you know she's feeling the same way, too.

On the two questions that you had, I think that you already know the answer to the first one (on how to know whether or not you're serious about Jenny), and that is that you are, since you are in love and have contemplated the future with her, but you're hesitant to let her know, because you don't want to get hurt. Because of what happened with your ex, and because this is Jenny's first relationship, that's totally understandable. You should know though that there are couples out there who are each other's first everything, go out through high school and/or college, and end up getting married.  I know those sound like rare occurrences, but it is possible and does happen. I don't think you should let that get in the way of becoming more serious with Jenny, because it definitely isn't an indicator of how the relationship will turn out.

On whether or not she'll expect for the relationship to be headed towards marriage, since you both are still young and the relationship is still relatively new, just because you say "I love you", I don't think she'll automatically think wedding bells, but, when you're with someone you love and care about, that possibility that they'll turn out to be "the one" is always there, and with most people, that's the reason why they stick around in a relationship, until they find out that that person isn't the one (unless the person is in the relationship for reasons other than love, such as convenience, fear of being alone, just having fun, etc.). You don't have to talk about marriage yet, but acknowledging to yourself how you feel about the relationship after dating for a year is a normal thing (after all, why waste time in a relationship with someone if you know it won't go anywhere?).

Once she gets back home and you get a chance to tell her how you feel in person, you can gauge how you feel/what you should say from there. If you're not ready to talk about the future yet, just telling her, "I love you," in person is a step towards becoming more serious. Once she's been back for awhile and you're feeling more comfortable and ready to talk more about the future, letting her know you see your relationship "heading somewhere" is a good way to test the waters and see how she feels about it, too. If she responds positively and is open to talking about it, that's a good step towards talking about the future and seeing where it will lead.

On your second question about your parents, the way I see it, there are two options:

1) Introduce Jenny to them right now and try to get your parents to understand and accept that having a girlfriend won't distract you from school (a possibility here that it'll take them awhile to see your viewpoint, and in the meantime, they may not be very welcoming towards her).

2) Wait until you are through with school before introducing Jenny to them, and explain to her the situation in the meantime. (Since she's been wanting to meet them, you would need to explain that it's not that you don't want for her to meet them, it's just that you want for her to meet them after you've finished school so that they'll be at their "most welcoming", since they're wanting to make sure you finish school before being involved in a relationship. Depending on how understanding Jenny is, she may or may not see where you're coming from with this.)

It's kind of a difficult situation, but, depending on who you think is easier to sway or win over (your parents into accepting that you have a girlfriend, or Jenny into meeting them after you're done with school), then you should go with the choice that provides the least resistance at the moment.  If handled the right way, this problem can be relatively easy to solve; depending on your living situation, how often you see your parents, and how persistent they and/or Jenny are about meeting the other, it may not be an issue right now at all.

I hope my advice helps, and let me know if you have any questions! :)

Alannah