Q & A - No More Man-Whore?

Q. Dear Alannah,

I just recently started dating a guy, and he has a past as being a bit of a man-whore. He knows I'm not the type of girl who gets around, and I wonder if he can actually change from his former ways and have a real relationship, or will just end up getting bored. I'm a virgin, and although I'm not waiting for marriage to have sex, I'm not willing to just "give it up for nothing" if I know this relationship will be short-lived. (I am 26, which I know is a bit old for being a virgin, but I'm not a prude; it just hasn't worked out in the past with other guys I've dated.) The furthest I've gone sexually is really only to second base. My question is, could a relationship with a more experienced guy actually work out? (He's 30 years old, by the way.)

Sincerely,

Lisa

A. Dear Lisa,

It could work out; nothing's impossible, and people can definitely change. However, there are a few things you'll definitely need to take into consideration first. For instance, how long ago was this guy's "player" past? Has he ever had a long-term relationship? If yes, how long ago was it and how long was the relationship? If most of his "long-term" relationships last no longer than 2-3 months and his player past was pretty recent, I'd say to be extra careful with this guy; he may not have gotten his "wild oats" stage out of his system just yet (if he ever does for sure), sorry to say. However, if it has been awhile since his player days and he says that that's behind him (and he has at least 1 or 2 relationships that have lasted longer than a year), he may just be commitment-worthy.

What you should do regardless is to "date with caution". If you're afraid of a "hit-and-run" situation with this guy, what I'd strongly advise is to wait 6 months (at least) before deciding to be sexually intimate with him...since you're not waiting for marriage, but have - I'm assuming - been waiting for someone who was "worth it", giving it a little bit of time lets you see if he's in it for the longer haul, or just wanting a "virgin notch" on his bedpost, for lack of better wording.

Although there's no guarantees what his intentions may be, holding out awhile longer lets you get to know him better, and if he is just in it for sex, he'll more likely get impatient after the first few months (or weeks even!) and bolt. Do not tell him about your 6 month time limit, obviously - just tell him that you want to wait to be intimate until you're comfortable. (Otherwise, this defeats the purpose of the "test".) There's no way of knowing how he'll react even if and when you two get to that stage in your relationship, but if you feel this guy is worth it, waiting it out and getting to know him better before getting intimate would be your best bet.

Good luck!

Alannah