Q & A - Is It Normal To Fantasize About Other Girls?

Q. Dear Alannah,

So, here's the problem...I've been with my girlfriend for almost three years. We live together, so we see each other practically every day. Things have gotten pretty dull with us, but I still love her regardless. Lately, though, I can't help fantasizing and thinking about other girls...it's not that I want to cheat or anything. I haven't and won't (I hope). It seems we've been lacking excitement in our relationship, though, and thinking about such things is exciting and makes me curious.

Is this normal, and how do I get rid of this?

Sincerely,

Not a Cheater

A. Dear Non-Cheater,

The first thing you need to realize is that fantasizing about other people occasionally is normal in a relationship - even happy couples can fantasize now and then, especially if the relationship is long-term. The thing that distinguishes "normal" from "out of the ordinary" is if you are considering acting on these fantasies, and if they are getting in the way of your intimacy with your girlfriend. Do you feel you would rather fantasize about other people than actually be with your girlfriend intimately? If so, you may have a problem. You would need to reassess whether or not you are truly happy in this relationship, or are just staying out of comfort or convenience.

If you're only fantasizing occasionally, do not ever have urges to act out on these fantasies, and have a healthy sex life with your girlfriend, though, then you don't have anything to worry about. What you're probably lacking is just a little spice in your sex life, or your relationship may just be going through a rut. Try doing new things to spice up your sex life; talk to your girlfriend and let her know you want to try something adventurous in the bedroom, and ask her if she has any ideas she's always wanted to try, or, read up on things you both may like beforehand, then suggest them to her before getting hot and heavy, so she won't be caught off-guard.

Another way to infuse excitement into your relationship is to try extracurricular activities that you both haven't done before, giving you a chance to bond, as well as adding a sense of newness into your routine. Adrenaline-inducing activities such as skydiving, parasailing, bungee jumping, and such are sure to give you a nice rush. You could also try more "sedate" activities, such as taking a cooking class, a sculpting class, guitar lessons, etc. Even something as simple as eating at different restaurants, trying new foods together, or hanging out in a different part of town that you normally wouldn't go to gives you a sense of newness that can help get you out of your rut. Don't be limited in your activities, and ask your girlfriend for suggestions, as well. She'll probably welcome the change of scenery and activities, and exploring new things together will only strengthen your bond.

Good luck! ;)

Alannah