Q & A - I Feel Like the Third Wheel in My Relationship

Q. Dear Alannah,

I have a few problems in my relationship that I'd like to share with you. So I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 months, and although that isn't too long, it was like love at first sight. We met at church, and he caught my eye right away. I am his first real girlfriend, and he is my second boyfriend.

Here are my issues:

1) I have trust issues in my current relationship because of my last relationship, which ended badly. My first boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend, who was a girl. Now, with my current boyfriend, I tend to have jealousy issues and have a hard time believing some of the things he says, and this also has to do with the fact that he is a big-time flirt. He also happens to flirt with his best friend, who is also a girl. (You see where this is going, right?) I have a hard time dealing with this, mainly because of what happened with my ex and his friend. I also had a bad first impression of my current boyfriend's friend, mainly because she's overprotective of him, and had told me that if I ever hurt him, she'll hunt me down. When I told him about this, he defended her, even though she was the one who threatened me!

2) He told me that he loved me, and that he has never felt this way before, and even wrote a full page letter to me, telling me he loved me and all of his feelings. As soon as I told him about the issues that were bothering me, though, he said that he was so stupid to tell me that he loved me, and that he doesn't know what love is? Now, he's been acting moody lately, and that's strange because he's usually a carefree guy. He's usually the type to joke around a lot, but lately he's been getting all worked up with everything I say.

3) His best friend (the girl friend) lives in a different city right now, but they are still really tight. She really bugs me, especially because of the fact that she has met his parents before...he told me that the only females that go to his house would have to be someone special, and this made me happy when he introduced me to them, until he introduced her to them, as well. This hurt me, but it hurt even more when I found out that they said it was strange how close they seem (him and his friend), almost like he was cheating on me with another girl...

4) I know I've mentioned his best friend a couple of times, but overall, it seems like she is a threat to my relationship, and I don't know what to do. If I haven't mentioned it already, my boyfriend used to "have a thing" for her, and I'm pretty sure she's starting to feel the same way. For New Year's Eve, she came to our town for a visit (I have no idea why), but she was out at a bar, and ended up calling my boyfriend (while he was on the way out of town), telling him she met a cute guy and wanted to make out with him, and that she was also very drunk. What kind of friend does something like that?? So my boyfriend texted me saying he was worried about her, so I offered to check up on her for him, but after I offered, he didn't respond. It's like he doesn't trust me or anything. I feel like I am the 3rd person here in their relationship, rather than it being mine and his.

What should I do??

Sincerely,

Feeling Like the Third Wheel

A. Dear Non-Third Wheeler,

I'm very sorry to hear about your current relationship situation. You asked me a couple of questions about your relationship, and they do all seem to have one common denominator: your boyfriend's best (girl) friend. Gathering from what you've told me, it seems that almost all of your problems lie with her, and the "bond" between them.

I have to tell you something, and you're not going to like what I have to say, but it seems like your boyfriend still has strong feelings for his best friend, and she seems to either be getting a kick out of it, or (as you mentioned) actually has started developing feelings for him, as well. From what you've told me, your boyfriend sounds pretty selfish, inconsiderate, and uncaring for what he's doing to you. I'm sorry to say, but basically, there are two options here with him:

a) Give him an ultimatum to back off from his friendship with her and give it some distance in order for your own relationship to blossom and grow.

or

b) Break up with him, and find someone else who isn't so hung up on their friend, and can fully give you the time, attention, and dedication you deserve.

If you're not ready to break up with him yet, sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Let him know exactly how you feel, and that in order for your relationship to have any chance, he needs to back off from his friendship with her. (They may live in different cities, but I'm assuming they talk on the phone and keep in touch often.) He will most likely go on the defensive and accuse you of being paranoid and not trusting him, but point out all of the examples to him that you mentioned above to me, such as the "introduction" to his parents (and their "cheating" remark), how she seems to be trying to make him jealous by drunk-dialing him and telling him about her romantic exploits in a "more than friends" manner, and so on.

He will most likely try to make excuses, but stand firm; let him know that no matter what the situation is on his part, if he cares about you and your relationship, he should understand and back off from the friendship. Don't be afraid to point out the fact that he once had feelings for her, and that he should put himself in your shoes; how would he feel if you had friend acting that way towards you, one that you used to like?

If he still refuses to back off from his friendship with her (if at least for awhile, enough to let your relationship have it's own chance to sink or swim), I would really rethink being in a relationship with this guy; he obviously still has feelings for her, and isn't willing to give your relationship a chance to grow by backing off from the friendship, and you definitely deserve someone who can give you their full time and attention, not put you as second fiddle to someone else.

I hope this helps, and please let me know if you have any questions.
 
Alannah