Q & A - No Matter of Color

Q. Dear Alannah,

I was wondering if you could help me out on a rather, I guess, bizarre issue? So, I'm a half African-American, half Caucasian, British college student, and I've dated/spent time with a lot of different guys (well excluding African-American guys for whatever reason). It has been my experience that I really enjoy spending time with Asian guys, and my Asian male friends are really great. I find them to be less obnoxious, more fun, and more reserved than my white male friends, and others generally. I am pretty inexperienced sexually (sorry if that's TMI) and it's often a big deal when engaging in a relationship with a male friend that I tell them I'm a virgin, but my Asian guy friends aren't as focused on sex as my non-Asian friends.

My point is, I think I'd like to date an Asian guy, I'm just not sure if it's totally taboo (at least for Asian males) to date a black/mixed girl, whatever you want to call it? I do have one guy in mind...his name is James, and I've known him since my freshman year in college. He's a year younger than me. So far, we've only hooked up, but we like spending time together.

Sorry this is incoherent, but any thoughts you could throw out would be great!

Thanks,

Vicky

A. Dear Vicky,

No, your situation isn't bizarre at all! First off, I want to say that the fact that you're still a virgin is not a bad thing at all - in fact, most guys would find that very (ironically!) sexy. As it turns out, the majority of guys usually find this very intriguing, and if anything, it would be a positive in their eyes, not a turn-off. It shows you're picky and know what you want, which if a guy has good intentions, if anything, he'd see it as a "challenge". So don't be afraid when telling this to any guy friends or guys you date - you won't lose any points with them, I'm sure of it! ;)

It's definitely not taboo for an Asian guy to date a African-American or mixed girl (I have Asian guy friends who've dated girls of all different ethnicities, including black) - it just depends on the individual guy and his preferences. On your guy friend, James, since you guys have hooked up before, that shows that he is physically attracted to you, which is definitely a good thing. On how he would feel about dating, if you're not sure if he's ever dated someone who's non-Asian (I'm guessing that's what you were wondering, right?), even if he hasn't in the past, it doesn't necessarily mean that he wouldn't be up for it, so just let him know of your interest, and see how he reacts.

First, though, when you say that you guys have hooked up, have you guys made out a couple of times, or just once? If it's been a couple of times, that slightly changes things; if you are currently "makeout buddies/friends", then you could more easily broach the topic of what your "status" is with him. Just let him know that you enjoy spending time with him, and that you'd like to try dating to see if things work out. If he gives you a dodgy answer, such as, "I just like spending time as friends" or "I don't want it to ruin our friendship", then take it for what it is, and you can move on.

If you guys have just made out once, however, and it hasn't happened again (a drunken makeout session, for instance), then the next time you hang out, try flirting with him more. If he reciprocates, continue the playful banter and joking, and casually mention after awhile into the conversation (in a flirtatious way), "I wonder how it'd be like if we dated." Unless he is super-dense or clueless, he should understand that that's your way of letting him know you're interested.

He might be surprised at first, and not respond right away with confirmation of how he feels about it. If he doesn't shoot down the idea of you guys dating right away, (by saying things such as, "That'd be weird!" or "I don't see that, I just see us as friends"), then give him some time to let it sink in. Don't do anything else beyond that - if he's interested, he can take some time to digest, but let him make the move and ask you out. You've opened the door, now it's his job to walk through and take the lead.

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions! Good luck! :)

Alannah