Q & A - My Girlfriend Acts Too Needy

Q. Dear Alannah,

I've been going out with this girl for about a year and a half now, and I love her very much...she makes me happy and is a great girl. However, within the past several months, she's become very clingy (or "needy"), and I don't know what to do about it. When we first started dating, she was very independent, had her own social life, went out, saw her friends often, and basically was a social butterfly. Lately, though, she pretty much only hangs out with me or stays home after work, doesn't talk to her friends much anymore, and on the weekends when my friends call me to go hang out, if I tell her I'm thinking about joining them for a boy's night out, she says she's fine with it, but then pouts and acts sad, so I almost always end up staying in.

I definitely see long-term potential with us, but if this continues, it will definitely be a problem. I love the time we spend together alone, but sometimes, I just want my own space, or just to be able to chill with friends again. I want for her to have her own social life as well like before, but I don't want to hurt her feelings by being blunt about it. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Feeling Claustrophobic

A. Dear Mr. Claustrophobic,

Sorry for your predicament - every guy needs his space occasionally, and I can see that you're needing yours right now, but not wanting to hurt your girlfriend's feelings. If you don't tell her directly, another way to get what you want (for her to be social again so you can have more of your own social life back) is to subtly "nudge" her towards that direction, by planning social outings that let her re-experience the fun of having girlfriends again.

Plan either a party, gathering at your place, or other social outing (a bowling night, perhaps?) that's a co-ed event, and invite some of your friends, as well as some of hers. Depending on the nature of why your girlfriend stopped talking to most of her friends, if it's simply because they drifted apart, doing this shouldn't be difficult. Just make sure to invite some fun, "life of the party" types also who will break the ice. Encourage her to mingle with her friends again during the gathering - if you have a get-together at your place or a bowling night, for instance, do a "Boys vs. Girls" game round (board games if it's an at-home gathering, a round of bowling if it's a bowling night), serve drinks, and make it a lively environment. The goal is to remind her how fun it is to hang out with her girlfriends. Hopefully, this will help push her in the direction of being sociable and reconnect with friends again. You may want to do two or three outings in order to get her into a sociable mood again and out of her "hermit" rut.

Or, if you don't mind spending a little money, another idea is to organize a "girls only" gathering for her and her closest (or formerly closest) friends. Contact two or three of her closest friends, and say that you wanted to do something nice for her and them - tell them you know she hasn't hung out with them in awhile, and that you want to plan a surprise for her and them. Then, treat her and two or three of her closest girl friends to a spa day at a local spa. Call ahead to see if there are group discounts available. This may be a little pricey, but if you are too busy to plan a gathering, this is another viable option.

If all else fails, the last option would be to be upfront with your girlfriend and let her know how you've been feeling. Start out by saying that you love the time you spend with her alone, and that your primary concern is maintaining a good balance in your relationship, that you want to make sure you two have time to pursue your own activities as well as spend time together. Have a heart-to-heart discussion, but definitely do not use words like "clingy" or "needy" when describing her - let her know that you feel that you both have lost contact with friends, and in order to maintain a healthy relationship, you know that it's good to have your own social lives and do your own thing once in awhile, too. She might not like hearing this initially, but make it clear that you are only thinking for the sake of your relationship. It would definitely be good to emphasize the fact that you see long-term potential with your relationship, and that doing this will help it in the long-term.

As long as you emphasize the fact that you're thinking about the long-term for your relationship, she should understand that your intentions are good (although, she might need some time to let it sink in), and will hopefully start becoming more sociable again.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Alannah