Q & A - Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Q. Dear Alannah,

After being raised in the states, I had to move back to Korea to go to school there, which I totally hated since I'm Americanized, was considered an outcast by my own people. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, started getting back into doing drugs, but at this time, it wasn't just ecstasy, I started doing meth to lose weight. I've never been a size 0 like most Asian girls are. Weight issues are big there and I was considered fat, even though I was a size 4.

Both mentally and physically torn, I was lost. That's when Kevin found me on an online social networking site. We hit it off so fast. We talked about anything and everything. I've never met anyone online but, I wanted to meet him. He was strong, independent and intelligent. I fell for him head over heels. Our feelings were supposedly mutual. I hated what I was doing then. I wanted to get out of Korea. When I found out he's a tattoo artist, I decided to learn from him. That plan went smoothly until my parents took my passport and green card so I couldn't leave the country.

I told him what was going on, then I found out that he had a girl, whom my friend in St. Louis knew of. From then, I stopped talking to him, started hanging out with a worse crowd, the Navy guys. I ended up marrying a guy who wanted to be with me to get the hell out of my parent's control. That was the worst mistake I've ever made. I'm still with him after 6 years, with a 2 year old child. He was stationed in Korea for little bit, then in Illinois (where I had my baby and found my career). He was told he is going to San Diego on a ship, which he found out will be gone for 6-9 months. I told him I wanted to stay in Chicago and work. He agreed at first, but told me later we'd have to move with him. So we did. It's obviously difficult to live with one paycheck unless you're a millionaire here, especially with a military salary. We started getting ourselves in debt in San Diego. I told him I wanted to go back to Chicago to work, but the answer was of course no. His solution to all this was to send my baby and I to his parents.

During my time in San Diego, Kevin found me again after 7 years. We started catching up on things, but it took into a bad turn when he found out that I had married a non-Korean man and thinned out my bloodline and when I said that I would never date a Korean man again. We talk from time to time, but whenever we do, we get into heated debates/arguments, and he ends up calling me an idiot or stupid. I met him for the first time when I went to LA back in July. It was wonderful. No matter how much I want to hate him, I can't. As for my husband, I am trying to leave him. It's difficult when living with the in-laws to make my moves and when he is out to sea. What can I do about this Alannah??? Help!!!

Sincerely,

Karen

A. Dear Karen,

Yours is a very interesting and complicated story! First, before you take any action with your husband, or with Kevin, you'll definitely need to make sure that you're financially steady and independent, if not for the you, then definitely for the sake of your child. (If your child were not involved, you could more easily make a "cleaner" break, but with your child involved, you will need to put his/her concerns first.) Since you're living in America right now away from family, I know that makes your situation more complicated. Do you have any friends with whom you and your child could stay with for awhile while you got on your feet? If possible, you should look for a job and a different place to stay right now, because while you are still living with your husband's parents (and since you are the primary caretaker of your child), it will be close to impossible to make your separation from your husband.

Once you've found a different place to stay at and a new job, then, decide on your next course of action. First, think over whether if Kevin wasn't in the picture, if you would still make the same decision concerning your marriage - were you wanting to get a divorce already before Kevin contacted you again? Or, did things change once he contacted you again after all this time? If you decide that you would have gotten a divorce regardless of whether or not Kevin was in the picture, and that the problems in your marriage are beyond something that marriage counseling could fix, then you should go ahead with your decision. But, if you are wanting to end your marriage solely because Kevin is back in the picture, then I'd have to strongly advise you that things may not turn out as you are hoping. You may not like what I have to say, but, here are the reasons why:

1) Besides the fact that your husband is still in the picture, from what you're telling me, Kevin sounds like a very selfish, deceptive, verbally abusive, and narrowminded person. I may just be hearing one part of the story, but the reasons why are because:

a) When you first met him several years ago, he had a girlfriend, yet he was leading you on to believe he was single, until you found out the truth from a friend. Therefore, his loyalty as a boyfriend and trustworthiness are definitely in question.

b) After finding you again, he insulted you (and your child) by calling you names because you decided to marry "outside of your race". Whether it's because he is jealous that you're married now or genuinely feels this way, it poses a problem if you are going to be together in the long run-how would he treat your child, who is of mixed race? Would he be cold and unaccepting of your child? What kind of possible potential father would he be if the relationship became serious?

c) He is calling you names because of your life choices before you and him are even together - if you were with him, it would only get worse, not better.

2) If you got a divorce and things didn't work out with you and Kevin, it would not only affect you, but also have affected your husband and child. I'm not saying that you should stay in an unhappy marriage solely for the sake of trying to save the marriage, but if you feel there is hope for it, and the only reason for wanting to leave is because of Kevin, then things may not turn out the way you want them to.

3) Since you and Kevin met up that first time, how many times have you seen him? Do you think the feelings you have for him are real, or possibly infatuation? The best case scenario here is if once you are divorced, you get with Kevin, everything flows smoothly, your feelings for him are strong and real, and he feels the same, and you're together and happy. The worst case scenario is that you get a divorce, you get with him, he isn't the person you thought he was at all, he is unaccepting of your child and life choices, and continues to make you feel bad throughout your relationship for having gotten married "outside of your race".

I know this may be hard to hear, but, before making any decisions, definitely get a clearer picture of the whole scenario and what you are hoping to get out of it. If anything, if you feel there may be a chance for you and Kevin once you're divorced from your husband - and that Kevin's harsh words towards you were not motivated by ill will or ignorance, but rather, jealousy - you should have a talk with him. Ask him what he wants from you, and, if you were divorced from your husband, if you two got together in the future, would he have a problem with your child being of mixed heritage. Ask him face to face, if possible, to minimize any possibility of him lying about it. The way he reacts is going to speak volumes about his character, and your potential future together.

Then, I would advise to let him know that you would need to take things slow after your divorce, and possibly be friends first before being in a relationship - going through a divorce is a major, life-changing event, so getting right back into a serious relationship right after would not only be unhealthy for you, but also for your child, and also risk the chance that the relationship would not work out (you would be in a fragile state, and it could very well become a rebound). I would also highly recommend this because, even though you may have strong feelings for this guy, most of the time spent getting to know one another at the beginning was through online (and maybe phone conversations?), and, as intimate as it may feel, there is still much that you don't know about him. (Such as, is he really truly single this time, or how would you know for sure that he isn't pulling the same routine as he did the first time around with a girlfriend back home?)

If he reacts positively to what you have to say, then there may be hope. Again, if you do go through with your divorce, I would recommend to be friends first before becoming romantically involved with him. (At least 6 months, if not longer.) If he reacts negatively, though, and is not willing to wait around for you (or even worse, says that he does have a problem with your child being of mixed heritage and wouldn't be able to come to terms with it), then he definitely isn't worth your time, and whether or not you get divorced, this guy sounds like trouble and doesn't sound worth the effort at all.

The bottom line is that, if you do go through with your divorce, make sure that you're doing it for yourself and for the right reasons, that you know that your marriage isn't salvagable before going through with it - whether or not Kevin is in the picture - and that you are thinking about your and your child's needs first, independent of Kevin.

I know this will be a hard decision for you either way, and I hope this helps...good luck, and take care!

Alannah