Q & A - Bad Boy Crush

Q. Dear Alannah,

I'm 15 years old, and I like this guy who's wrong for me...he smokes weed, and he's pretty much your typical bad boy. I found his Myspace profile online, and it said he's 17 years old. I'm not sure, but at school, he is in 9th grade, and I'm in 10th, a grade ahead of him...since my parents are Asian and don't like for me to befriend those who they don't consider "smart", I can't see us together in the future, but I really want to be with him right now, because I know that high school romances don't last long anyway, so I might as well give it a shot, right? I don't know why I like him, I just do. I think he has a girlfriend, too, but I see him flirting with another girl who already has a boyfriend, so I don't know how serious it is. I don't know what I should do.

This may sound cheesy, but I like him because he's sooo hot! I love his eyes, and I think that's what drew me to him. I have never crushed on anyone like this before. I don't know what I should do about my crush for him. I get nervous when I'm around him. We've talked before, but he's always the person who says something first.

I am a pretty funny person, and I'm only serious usually when it comes to grades, morals and gossiping (yeah, lame, I know). But yeah...I pretty much have no clue what to talk about when I'm around him. I know he is into football, but I don't want to be the girl who gets along with guys cause of similar interests. I know a lot of his friends, no joke. Sometimes I go say hi and hug his friends just to be near him. I like seeing his face in the morning, it makes me happy.

I also don't know if I'm over-thinking this, or not but, wherever I go, I see him. For example, one day, I see him at the mall after having not gone shopping in months. Today, I went to school by car and when I got out, he's getting out of his dad's car at the same time. I know this sounds silly, but, maybe it's a sign? Has this ever happened to you? Where everywhere you go, you see the person you like? Is it rare? Maybe my mind is too filled up by silly fairytales and fate and stuff. I'm getting my hopes too high, I know. How can I stop myself from doing this?

Whether or not he has a girlfriend, can you help me "tone myself down"? Like, to be more mature in certain situations? Because usually, I don't know what to say, so I say something funny to ease the uncomfortable feeling that I feel. But, I want to be cool, quiet, and more mature. I don't like how I am, all immature and funny, and I want to be more out there, but in a cool and relaxed way. I'm sorry if this is a jumble of thoughts, but could you help me? Thanks!

Sincerely,

Misty

A. Dear Misty,

Thanks for writing in! With your situation, I'm pretty sure you already know what I'm about to say (hence the prefacing of your email with "This guy is wrong for me"), but I'll go ahead and say it anyway, and that is that you shouldn't spend your time liking him...I know exactly how you feel, and I know how fun bad boy crushes can be, whether you're 15 or 25, but getting with a bad boy almost never leads anywhere good. The difference is at 25 (or 35, or 45), you have the dating experience to know that these crushes never lead anywhere good, whereas at 15, you're still learning much about the dating world, and the idea of being with a "bad boy" can be very tempting and exciting.

To top it off, the fact that he has a girlfriend just makes matters worse. (And yes, I've been there, too, with the "I seem to bump into him everywhere" thing...little coincidences like that might seem to have meaning and you can hold on to them when you like someone, especially during your high school years when "bad" crushes can be very intense. You can hold onto those things, looking for "signs" that you should go for them, but trust me, it's like grasping at straws - it's there if you look for it, but once you stop liking him, you won't even notice.) I'm not saying you should not talk to him or have any contact with him, but the best thing to do is to direct your attention elsewhere crushwise...bad boys are not what they're cracked up to be, trust me on this - the majority are usually losers who have perfected the art of slacking and treating girls badly, sad to say.

Honestly speaking, dating in high school can be tough, really tough...the best thing to do is to enjoy your time with your friends, and get to know and meet potential romantic interests through your social circle, or through friends of friends...those are the people you are most likely going to have connections and things in common with. I'm not saying that you most likely won't have anything in common with your bad boy crush, but, given all of the factors you've listed (such as his having a girlfriend already, smoking weed, and not having good extracurricular activities), it doesn't sound like being around him has any benefits for you.

As for your other question about how to become more "toned down" or mature in certain situations, don't worry too much about what others think...I know that may be hard to do, especially when you're in high school, but trust me when I say that having an entertaining personality and great sense of humor is definitely something that's a plus, especially with guys. It might not seem that way when you're in high school, where superficial things such as popularity and appearance seem to rule, but the majority of guys - especially as they mature - definitely appreciate being around a girl with a sense of humor, as opposed to an ice-cold, unfriendly girl with nothing to say.

If you want more tips on increasing your attraction level with guys, check out my previous post on tips for increasing your attraction level with guys. In the meantime, have fun with your friends and enjoy meeting new potential dates through them...you don't want to look back on your high school years and say that you wasted it on a bad boy whom you no longer even talk to!

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!

Alannah