Q & A - Abrupt Break-Up

Q. Dear Alannah,

Just last night, this guy that I was dating for about 3 months decided that we should just remain friends. I don't know if that would be considered a break-up or not, but it did to me, and it really hit me hard. During our talk last night, he brought up some good points as to why we should be just friends. There is a big difference in our age. I'm 20 years old and he had just turned 39. I know that's a really big difference, and I had never considered in my life going out with a guy that much older than me. But the more I was with him, the more our age difference meant nothing to me, and I didn't think it would mean anything to him either. I didn't think our age difference would interfere with what we had.

Yesterday was his birthday as well, and I thought that we were just going to enjoy ourselves and spend some good quality time with each other; I was really looking forward to it. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere he starts talking about how sometimes he feels bad for me; that I'm dating somebody who's 19 years older than I am. I understood what he meant, but I really was not prepared to end our relationship right at that moment.

Over the past three months, we had been through so much; he even introduced me to his family. I hadn't introduce him to my family, but I had planned it in the future. I really thought we were doing fine and that we were in a stable relationship that would last for quite a while, and his decision was just so unexpected. I never thought that he would bring it up this soon. Also, because of the fact that I'm only 20 years old, he says that I have so many years ahead of me. I'm guessing that he doesn't want me to get caught up with a guy his age. He also said that he thought that he was wasting my time, but I told him that he wasn't, because I really enjoyed my time with him.

In the end he said that we'll still "go out" and "see each other". I don't know what that means really, because it'll be so hard to do that. He also said that we can just still "be friends". Honestly, I'm having trouble with what all that really means. I don't know if he'll keep his word when he says that he'll "talk to me later" or "we'll still see each other", and I don't know if we'll even talk to each other again. Maybe he's just being nice, but inside he really wants to end it for good...? I woke up this morning with all that in my mind... and that feeling that my heart just sank.

I'm sorry for this being so long, but I really need an opinion from an expert so I know what I'm dealing with. I'm still confused and very much heart broken about it and I'm hoping you can give me some answers or advice on how to deal with this situation.

Thanks,

Megan

A. Dear Megan,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation...it is very hard when there are differences in a relationship that are beyond your control (such as an age difference), where one person doesn't see it as an obstacle, but the other one does. From what you're saying, it sounds like the guy you were dating has probably been thinking about it for awhile, but probably didn't bring it up until just the other night...for us females, if something bothers us in a relationship, we aren't afraid to bring it up and talk it out in order to work things out, but for men, they usually have more difficulty communicating certain issues, and with one like this, it also can't be changed just through communication - it's something that you either look past, or you can't.

I think what he has decided is one part in your best interest, and one part his...I think he's being honest in saying that he thinks he is/was holding you back, and that, his ending it probably also has to do with some of his own issues that are unresolved, whether it's fear of you meeting someone closer to your age (who he thinks you may have more in common with?) in the future, you having goals in the future that may make you two drift/grow apart, or some other issue that he thinks would be created by your age difference. No matter what the reason, it sounds like he has made up his mind, so it'll be very hard to change it and continue your relationship the way it was before, I'm sorry to say.

When he brought up that you two could "still be friends" and go out and "see each other", that was his way of letting you down easy, because he knows that the break-up was sudden and seemingly out of the blue...since you still have feelings for him right now, it's probably better to give it some distance for a good while before trying to initiate a friendship. It'll give you some time to get over your feelings for him, and to get some time to process the break-up.

You are not wrong in any way, shape, or form for being able to look past the age difference and falling for someone older, but unfortunately, that's something that he wasn't able to do. You'll need some time to yourself for awhile to get over the break-up, but just realize that it wasn't your fault in any way, it's just something that you can't control. Take some time to yourself, and enjoy the company of friends and family, and hobbies you love that you haven't been able to in awhile...you will meet the right person one day who won't let uncontrollable - and in the end, unimportant - differences such as age get in the way of having a happy, forfilling relationship.

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions...take care!

Alannah