Q & A - Disappearing Act

Q. Dear Alannah,

I've been dating someone for a little over 2 months now, and we see each other about once or twice a week (we both have kids, and each have custody of them). On Saturday, we had a great date. As we were ending the date, he suggested we get together the next day on Sunday to take my dog for a nature walk. I said okay, and he said that he'd call. He did call on Sunday morning, and texted a few times while shopping for his kids. Then, he sent a text later that night saying he was sorry about the walk...basically, he blew it off, and without a proper reason, which surprised me, because he has always been very good about keeping his word.

After that, he sent a text late on Monday night, and hasn't called or texted since then. So, what the heck is going on here? Things were going so well, and it suddenly seems now like he is backing off. Is he just busy, or am I being dumped? Yes, I know this might seem like an overreaction, given it's only been 2 days, but this is totally uncharacteristic for this guy, so I am a little confused, to say the least. I've gotten advice from friends to call and say "Wtf??", and also advice to wait it out and do nothing.

How long is this supposed to go on for without me hearing anything from him? How am I supposed to feel about this behavior? I've been "trained" (for lack of a better word) to expect daily contact, so when it gets pulled away (and calls/texts I send his way are ignored), what am I supposed to do?

Sincerely,

Mandy

A. Dear Mandy,

Since it has only been 2 days, it's hard to jump to conclusions, so I think you should wait another 2 or 3 days (as frustrating as it may be) without contacting him to see if he contacts you first, before calling him to see what's going on. It could be that he is actually busy with a legitimate reason and that's why he hasn't been able to contact you, so giving it a few more days is a good "buffer" period before contacting him to see what's going on.

If after waiting about 2-3 more days, you still haven't heard from him, call him and tell him you need to talk. Be straightforward with him, and ask him what's going on. If he truly has just been busy or has another legitimate reason for being absent the past few days, this will give him a chance to tell you. If he has intentionally been avoiding you because he's trying to break things off by pulling a "disappearing act", though (a cowardly move), he may just give another dodgy answer or avoid your question.

Listen to his answer and read between the lines. If you feel that he's not giving you a straight answer - depending on how fed up you are with the situation - you can "nudge" him towards being honest by telling him that you feel things have been different lately between you two, and that if he's feeling different, to let you know now. If he has truly just been busy with work, his kids, or another legimitate reason, he'll let you know, and should start putting in more effort if he's truly interested.

If not, this is a straightforward way to get him to come clean, and a chance for him to give you an honest answer if his feelings have indeed changed. If he continues to give dodgy answers and play the avoidance game, though, take his actions for what they are and move on - you deserve much better than a guy who's not man enough to be honest with you about how he's feeling.

Alannah