Below are a few tips on how to increase your success rate with meeting women when hitting the clubs and bars.
1) Go with a wingwoman instead of a wingman. If given the choice between a wingman or wingwoman, your best bet is to go clubbing with a woman. There are several advantages to going with a wingwoman instead of a wingman. They include:
a) Having other women near you, especially attractive ones, helps to increase your "status" - and therefore your level of attractiveness - in other women's eyes (as in, "He has other women wanting to be near him; there must be something to him.")
As mentioned before, it may sound immature, but it's true...women usually find men more attractive when other women are attracted to him, as well. Your girl friends don't have to be attracted to you in order for this to work, either...just having them around you helps increase your overall level of "desirability" to other new women you may meet.
b) Most women will assume you are relatively "safe" (as in, not a perv) if other women are willing to hang out with you.
c) Women will usually be more receptive to another woman - your wingwoman - approaching them and saying, "There's someone who would love to meet you," and helping you with an introduction, than they would to a wingman doing the same thing (it's kind of a subconscious thing...most women wouldn't think another woman would try to introduce her to some skeeze).
If you're going out with a group of guys, try inviting along a few girl friends with you; it'll help balance the ratio, and help increase your chances of meeting other women.
2) If you're inexperienced talking to women, approach someone who is by herself (or with just one or two others), rather than someone who is in a large group. Besides the intimidation factor, approaching a woman who is in a large group lowers your chances that you'll be successful and able to get her number if you aren't that experienced with approaching women.
This is because she'll be less likely to respond based solely on how she feels, and may allow judgment from friends to influence her decision of how to respond to you.
3) Don't use cheesy lines. I have never met a female who had a guy use a cheesy line on her and have it work. (To my knowledge, anyway!) Most women find them corny, and if anything, will find it comical (not in a good way) when a guy uses one on her.
The kinds of lines I'm talking about are the cliched, cheesy pick-up lines most of us have heard at one time or another. Examples: "Can I see your tag? I just wanted to see if you were Made In Heaven." "Do you have a quarter? Because my mother told me to call her when I fell in love." (Gag!)
Instead, use humor, or a more straightforward approach.
4) Use humor when approaching her. There are a couple of types of humor you can use when talking to a woman. They are:
1) Straightforward teasing
2) Being cocky
3) The "backhanded compliment"
For more details and examples on this, check out my post on how to increase your attraction level with women.
5) If you want to approach a woman to dance, try dancing nearby her on the dance floor with a female friend first, then approaching her. If you want to dance with a woman, but are unsure if she'll be receptive to your advances, dancing nearby with a female friend first is a good "buffer" method. There are a couple of reasons for this.
a) The reasons listed in #1 about the advantages of having wingwomen (you'll appear "safer," she'll be more open to your approach, you'll appear more attractive, etc.).
b) It'll help increase your confidence by dancing with another female first before moving in to dance with the girl you have your eye on.
c) If she rejects your advances, you can always go back and dance with your female friend again (thereby helping "save face").
In my next post, I'll discuss more tips on how to increase your sucess rate with meeting women when hitting the clubs and bars.
- How to Be Successful Meeting Women at Clubs Part II
I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now, and everything's been great between us...she's hot, funny, has a great personality, and we have a great time together. Only one problem...she hates my friends. Not just casual friends, either, but guys I've been friends with for years, who I practically grew up with. They're practically my brothers.
She dislikes them because of a misunderstanding that happened when we first got together. She thought one of my boys was trying to hook me up with another girl (he kind of was, but he didn't know my girlfriend and I were dating at the time). Ever since then, she's distrusted all of my friends and thinks they're a bad influence. I should also probably add that the majority of them are single and tend to go out a lot.
I know this will just become a bigger problem, seeing as how we're starting to get more serious. My friends don't know how she feels (they think she's just kind of stuck-up), and I've managed to keep them separate, but I know this can't go on forever.
I'm really into this girl, but my friends are a big part of my life. How do I get her to see this and let her know it's important to me that she at least tries to get to know them better?
In the Middle
A. Dear Middleman,
From what you're saying, it sounds like your girlfriend distrusts your friends, and for a pretty legitimate reason. However, it is unfair of her to write off all of them because of the mistake of one. It also sounds like she views your boys as a threat to your relationship; from the mistake of your one "well-intentioned"-but clueless-friend, to the general lifestyle that most of them lead.
Many girls tend to think that a guy's single friends are going to encourage him to participate in "single guy" behavior (partying every weekend, meeting girls, hitting up bars and clubs constantly, etc.). Unless she personally knows and trusts your friends, it's going to be hard for her to picture that's not what's going on. Of course, if she won't give them a chance, how's that going to happen, right?
You could start by "warming" her up to your circle by inviting one or two of your buddies who have girlfriends out on a double (or triple) date. Showing her that some of the guys in your group are also "stable," boyfriend material will help start making her more comfortable with your group of friends.
Next, have a talk with her and let her know how important it is to you that she at least tries to get to know your other friends, too. Reiterate that they're practically family to you, and that the incident with your friend whom she dislikes was just a misunderstanding. If you're ready, you should also let her know that you see your relationship getting more serious, and that's why it's important to you that she gives your friends a chance. She would probably be happy to hear this, and it'll help open up her mind more about your friends.
Then, invite some of your boys out (including the coupled-up ones), but maybe save the "craziest" or rowdiest friends for another time. Make it a group date, and ask your girlfriend to invite some of her friends, too. Invite everyone out to dinner, or to a group activity - such as bowling - where conversation can still easily flow.
Once she gets to know your friends better and realizes that they're cool guys not out to break up your relationship, she should start being able to warm up to them. That is, of course, if her trusting them was the only issue. If after all that, she still doesn't like them (simply because of personality differences), you'll just either have to suck it up, or reevaluate if this is something that will be okay with you.
Best of luck!
I need some advice on my approach - or rather, lack of one - with guys. I'm a great catch, fairly attractive, and have a fun personality. However, most people I know would probably say I seem rather "intimidating" or "stuck-up" when people first meet me. My close girl friends have even told me (tactfully, of course) that new people think I am snobby when they first meet me, and they have heard guys say they find me attractive and have wanted to talk to me, but are too "scared" to. They think I'll either blow them off or completely shoot them down.
The truth is, I'm just extremely shy. I've found myself putting up a front as a defense mechanism when meeting new people, and realize that I have acted unintentionally snobby at times. This isn't because I feel I am better than others, but because I don't want to be rejected. Do you have any tips on how to "cure" this?
Shy Not Snobby
A. Dear Shy Girl,
I've known a couple of girls who have had this problem. You sound like you pretty much have it in the bag, except for your "approachability" factor when it comes to guys. Overcoming shyness isn't something that happens overnight, but it is possible. If your shyness isn't just towards men, but towards new people in general, working on being more open towards all new people you meet will help improve your overall approachability with guys.
When meeting someone new, try this approach: assume they are friendly and approachable, and come up to and interact with them as if you know they're going to be friendly back. Chances are, they will be. (This can be used with males and females.) If they aren't, know that it's their problem, not yours, and move on. You'll find that the more approachable you are, the more others tend to be, too. (As the saying goes, like attracts like.)
Work on becoming more comfortable interacting with new people; talk to people in places you may not normally try to meet new people, such as in line at the grocery store, at a coffee shop, or even when waiting in line at the DMV. Interacting with new people in different situations helps make you more comfortable in different social situations.
Once you're more comfortable socializing/interacting with people in general, the next step - talking more openly with new guys you're attracted to - will be slightly easier. As mentioned in my earlier post, when speaking to a guy you're interested in, imagine that you don't like him, and it'll help make you more relaxed when conversing with him. For more tips on conversing with guys, check out my article on how to increase your attraction level with men.
Have fun, and best of luck!
2) Telling someone you're dating, "You look like/remind me of my mother."
3) Calling her every day and leaving messages on her phone that just consist of breathing.
4) Sneaking up behind a girl at a club and proceeding to bump and grind or freak dance with her in your most "sensual" way possible.
5) Getting her number through a mutual friend - without her knowledge - and sending her anonymous "dirty" text messages.
6) Sending her unrequested, naked pictures of yourself.
7) Letting her know she better, "Hop on board, because the sexy train is leaving soon!"
8) Showing her your mini-shrine of Megan Fox, saying, "That could be you."
9) Leaving constant, unreturned messages, emails, and IM's on Myspace, Facebook, or any other social networking site.
10) Trying to seduce her with your long, unblinking, penetrating stare.
(Got any to add to the list? Let me know!)
- Come-Ons 2: How to Instantly Turn Her Off
4) Take everything a guy says with a grain of salt. Take everything he says at face value, and don't over-analyze or look for "hidden" meanings. A mistake that almost every female has made at one point or another (myself included) is to over-analyze every little thing a guy does to try to "read" his mind. In reality, this is a colossal waste of time. It also gives him too much power. Men aren't as complicated as we think (although many would like for you to think they are). Unless the guy has SDS, most are pretty straightforward with what they want.
If not, it'll be pretty clear through his actions. If he wants to talk or get to know you better, he will call you. If he likes you enough, he will ask you out. If he finds you attractive, he will eventually make a move during your date.
Why waste your time pining over a guy who doesn't know what he wants, when there are so many more out there who do (and aren't afraid to go after it)? However, if you sincerely feel a guy you are interested in also feels the same way, but just needs a little encouragement, there are ways to "nudge" him in the right direction (which would be towards asking you out!).
5) Friendly flirtation. A way for you to "get" a guy you have the hots for - whom you are pretty sure feels the same - to ask you out is to be a "friendly flirt". This is the "safe" way to show a guy you're interested, without full-on mauling him or otherwise throwing yourself all over him. (I call it the "safe" way because, if it turns out he wasn't interested and was just playing games or is naturally flirty, you can save face by acting as if you were just being "friendly," not coming on to him...how would anyone know? ;))
Walk the line between being friendly and flirty when you interact with a guy you like. It'll give him hints that you are interested, but he won't know for sure until he makes a move. If he is interested and worth your time, he will eventually make a move, if only for the sake of knowing where your interest truly lies.
6) Don't gossip about other females - or anyone, for that matter - around him. Sure, everyone (ok, maybe mostly females) loves a good gossip session every now and then, but men, for the most part, don't like hearing it. Yes, I know what you're thinking - they do it, too. It's true, men do gossip, but overall, they do it less than women, and usually only when it relates to them somehow (i.e. the girl they like just broke up with her boyfriend, or an employee at work was fired, and the position they've been eyeing for forever just opened up).
Gossiping around him gives him the impression that you're negative and/or catty, whether or not the subject of your gossip deserves it! The majority of guys dislike it, and view all gossip as just that - gossip. If you need to vent or want to dish about something, it's best to save it for girlfriends.
7) Hold off on having sex as long as possible. Once you've reeled him in and the two of you are dating, I recommend holding off on sex for as long as possible (until you two are mutually exclusive). This is, of course, if you are looking for something long-term...if you are looking for just a fling or something casual, this rule won't apply. But for anyone looking for something long-term or serious, holding off on the sexual part of a relationship has a couple of benefits.
The first one is that you'll know he is also in it for the long-term, and not just looking for a fling (or worse yet, a "hit-and-run"!). Guys who are only looking to get laid usually won't stick around for very long and try to work to make it happen (they've got more girls to see, more tail to chase!). Waiting basically helps to weed out the players. The second is, waiting makes it all the better once you finally get there, and (at the risk of sounding cheesy) makes it more special. Rushing into things takes away some of the thrill and anticipation of waiting.
Using these tips will help maximize your attraction potential with men, inside and out. Good luck, and feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions! ;)
- How to Be Irresistible to Men Part I
- How to Be Irresistible to Men Part II
1) Don't be afraid to show your "tomboy" side. Men love women who they find attractive, and can chill with the boys. In other words, the majority of guys want someone who can be both a lover and a friend (don't we all?). Just like how women love "manly" men who also have a sensitive side, most men love when a woman can be sexy and feminine when she wants to, and yet can also enjoy hobbies with him that would normally be considered "guy" hobbies. (Why wouldn't he love being able to watch his favorite team play in the company of a sexy female?)
I'm not saying you need to become a sports fanatic or participate in burping contests in order to impress him, either; just sharing a few interests with him that are normally "male-dominant" hobbies will more than likely impress him, and lets him see your down-to-earth side, making him realize what a great catch you are.
Disclaimer: There are limits to this, of course. Sharing a few hobbies with a guy is good, but becoming interested in every hobby he has would seem both clingy and suspicious. Make sure you sincerely enjoy the activities listed below, because guys have a pretty good BS-meter when it comes to these things.
Typical "guy" hobbies that many women also love include:
a) Poker. If you're secretly a poker hustler and know the guy you like enjoys playing, don't be afraid to challenge him to a game...chances are, he'll be thoroughly impressed when you whoop him and clean house (if he doesn't have an easily wounded ego, that is!).
b) Video games. Most guys love playing video games, something that's normally thought of as a male pastime. Showing him you can kick a-- like the rest of them in Mortal Kombat, or enjoy a good racing game every now and again (or even a good puzzle game), will very likely impress him, and also lets him see your carefree, fun-loving side.
c) Sports. This is an obvious one here; most men love sports. Many females also sincerely enjoy watching them, whether it's basketball, football, soccer, or baseball. If you do, use this to your advantage as a chance to bond with your guy (or the one you're interested in). Let him in on your knowledge of the players' stats, moves they're famous for, weaknesses, strengths, etc. Or, if you don't keep up with those things, but just purely enjoy watching the games, watch them with him. He'll still be thrilled that you enjoy and share in one of his favorite pastimes.
d) Locker room talk. This isn't an activity, but rather, a male pastime that happens when men are amongst each other and no women are around. Most women are repulsed when they hear men dishing locker room talk amongst their friends, whether it's dirty jokes, saying "objective" things about certain females (whether celebrities or "real life" women), or just plain immature "bathroom" humor.Men usually engage in locker room talk to bond (telling dirty jokes or bathroom humor) or as a show of masculinity (the objectifying of certain females). Since most usually don't sit around and discuss the things that women bond over (dating and relationship issues, gossip, personal issues, fashion, etc.) they bond either through activities, or through humor or "bravado" talk.
Most men reserve it for just when in the company of men, but some will engage in locker room talk around females, too, whether to look "cool," or just to seem "macho". If you're chilling with your guy and one of his friends starts dishing locker room talk that's either offensive, or bordering on it, cleverly cracking a joke back - at the friend's expense - instead of calling him a pig and storming off will most likely get you a round of laughs, and impress your guy; it shows him you aren't fazed easily, and have a sense of humor. It also shows him you're comfortable hanging around his friends, which is always a plus.
2) Speak your mind. The majority of men appreciate a woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind. Don't be afraid to express your own opinion, even if it goes against the grain. People who follow the crowd are boring...people who have their own opinion are not. You don't need to be obnoxious or say outrageous things either to get his attention; just not being afraid to speak your mind shows him you're an interesting individual who can think for herself.
3) Imagine you didn't like him. As you already know, it's hardest to keep your cool around someone you're attracted to, as opposed to someone whom you have no interest in. The irony is that people are usually at their most charming, relaxed, and funniest when they aren't in the presence of someone they like, making them the most "likeable" in those moments.
For instance, if you're talking to a guy you like, and you're standing there analyzing everything he says, everything you say and how he might perceive it, chances are, you're not going to be as relaxed and fun as if you were talking to your best guy friend, or even your best girl friend.
Imagining a guy is just any other person you know - not someone you're crushing on - helps you relax when conversing with him, and lets you be your usual fun, amazing self. It may be difficult, but it will get easier over time as you learn to keep a relaxed front when speaking with someone you have the hots for.
In my next post, I'll be discussing more changes to your behavior and thinking that'll help increase your attraction level with men!
- How to Be Irresistible to Men Part I
- How to Be Irresistible to Men Part III
My post today is part of a 3 part post for the ladies on ways to instantly improve your attraction level with men and make yourself irresistible! Since attraction usually starts with external appearances, today's post will be regarding immediate external changes you can make to your appearance and behavior that will help to instantly increase your attraction level.
1) Smile. Smiling shows that you're a happy and friendly person, which in turn makes you seem more approachable, which will definitely encourage more guys who are interested to come and approach you. No matter how hot a girl is, if she seems stuck-up or standoffish, oftentimes most guys will either be too intimidated, or too turned off by the unfriendly vibe (whether real or imagined) to want to try approaching her.
2) Improve your posture. This means standing tall and not slouching when you're sitting. It works for men, and it also works for women - standing or sitting tall helps to improve your appearance overall, making you appear more confident, and even has a slimming effect.
3) Looks. With men, looks obviously play an important factor in attraction. What many women don't realize, however, is that you can very easily change a man's perspective of how attractive a woman is just by using the right "tools" (i.e. make-up, hairstyle, and/or clothes) for physical enhancement. Men are more "easily swayed" than are women as to a certain woman's physical attractiveness, so using the right tools can help to bring your best attributes to the forefront. Below are a few tips you can use to increase your physical attraction level.
a) Hair. Choosing the right haircut for your face shape can help to flatter it and frame your best facial features, as well as drastically reduce styling time. It can also help to dramatically change your appearance. The different types of face shapes include oval, round, heart, square, and oblong.
i) Oval. This face shape has a length that is almost exactly 1 1/2 times longer than the width of the face. This is considered the "ideal" face shape because almost any hairstyle will look good on someone with this face shape. Short and long - as well as straight or wavy - hair looks good on oval face shapes. Flattering cuts also include bangs, sophisticated bobs, or long, beachy waves. Styles you want to avoid, however, would be ones with is short layers that add height on top of your head, or heavy bangs that hang in your face and eyes. Celebrities with this face shape include Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron.
ii) Round. Round face shapes have a length that is pretty much equal to the width, and is round in shape. The goal with round face shapes is to create less volume around the face and to minimize the appearance of roundness. Flattering hairstyles include cuts that fall just below the chin; shoulder-length or longer haircuts; soft, graduated layers; and long and sideswept bangs. Hairstyles you should avoid if you have a round face shape include one-length, blunt cut styles for short hair, as well as short, curly hair, since it will only make your face appear more round. Celebrities with this face shape include Cameron Diaz, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Drew Barrymore.
iii) Heart Shaped. Heart-shaped faces have wide cheekbones and/or forehead and a narrow jaw, as well as a pointy chin. If you have a heart shaped face, your pointy chin will tend to be the focal point, so hairstyles that draw attention to your eyes and/or cheekbones instead will help to flatter and balance out your overall look. Chin-length or longer haircuts, sideswept bangs, a strong part and brow-grazing fringe are all flattering styles for this face shape. Styles to avoid would include very short styles and short-blunt cut bangs or harsh, choppy layers. Celebrities with heart shaped faces include Katie Holmes, Reese Witherspoon, and Keira Knightley.
iv) Square. Square face shapes have forehead and jawline widths that are pretty much equal, and also have a strong, angular jawline. Haircuts that flatter this face shape would help to de-emphasize, or play down, the strong jawline. Haircuts that are flattering for this face shape include texture in the form of curls or choppy ends that help to play down the jawline, as well as long, layered hairstyles with layers that begin at the jawline and continue downward. Hairstyles to avoid include one-length bobs and blunt-cut bangs, which only make the face look more square. Celebrities with this face shape include Angelina Jolie, Rosario Dawson, and Gwyneth Paltrow.
v) Oblong. Oblong face shapes have lengths that are longer than they are wide. The ideal haircut for this face shape helps to add width without dragging down the face (no weighty hairstyles that visually increase the length of the face). Flattering hairstyles for this face shape include short- to medium-length haircuts; soft, wispy bangs that add fullness to the sides of the face; and chin-length or shoulder-length bobs, since they help to add width to the face. Hairstyles to avoid would include very long hair (which drag down the face), heavy bangs and blow-forward shags. Celebrities with an oblong face shape include Sarah Jessica Parker, Giselle Bundchen, and Liv Tyler.
For more tips on hairstyles for your face shape, check out:
- The Right Hairstyle for Your Face Shape - TheHairStyler.com: Hairstyles, Celebrity Hair Styles
b) Makeup. When applying makeup, depending on the occasion and/or time of day, accentuating one of your best features and going light on the other ones helps to bring about the most effective and flattering look. Going heavy on make-up during the daytime and for everyday wear doesn't leave as much room for a different make-up look for more formal events, and can be harder to maintain when out on dates.
If one of your best facial features is your eyes, you should accentuate them, then go light on your other features. A smokey eye look is perfect for evening dates. You could then dust on some light blush on your cheeks for definition and wear a lip gloss or light pink lip shade (very hot for Summer '09) to balance it out.
If your lips are one of your best features, wearing a flattering lip shade and finishing with a gloss on top will help draw attention to them. Other popular lip shades for Summer '09 include "1980's" inspired shades, such as various shades of pink, coral and peach. For your eyes, you can go with some eyeliner and mascara, and then a light sweep of blush for definition to your cheeks.
The thing to keep in mind with makeup is, for daytime or everyday wear, it's usually best to accentuate one of your best features, and go light on the other ones for the most flattering yet fuss-free look. For more in-depth make-up tips and trends, visit:
- Makeup Trends: Today's Hottest Makeup Looks - iVillage
- Summer Beauty 2009 - In Style
d) Clothes. You can instantly lose 10 pounds (visually) just by wearing clothes that are flattering to your body. With many of the sexy, sophisticated styles now in vogue, there are many choices for finding stylish clothes that play up your best assets. (Next week, I'll be discussing some current fashion trends that work well with and flatter all body types.)
Tip #1: Show off one physical asset at a time. When showing off a physical asset, (as mentioned in an earlier post) it's most flattering to emphasize just that asset only. For instance, when showing off great legs, skip the low-cut tops; when wearing tight clothing (especially dresses or skirts), try not to go with hemlines that are too high or otherwise show too much skin. It helps to accomplish a sexy yet classy vibe. This applies to daytime and everyday wear. (This rule can be somewhat loosened when going clubbing, however, where sexier attire is expected.)
Tip #2: Dress for your body type. Dressing for your body type helps to draw attention to your best assets. The main body types that the majority of people fall in to include the pear, ruler, hourglass, and funnel shaped body types. Tips on how to determine your specific body type and dressing for each type require much further discussion that I won't be able to go into here, but for more information on how to determine which body type you are and how to dress for each type, visit:
- What Body Type Am I? - StyleChicago.com
4) Carry yourself with confidence. No matter your body size, shape, weight or height, carrying yourself with confidence automatically draws positive attention. Confidence gives off an aura of something extra, makes people want to be around you and near you, male or female. Using the tips above will help boost your physical appearance, but if you don't carry yourself with confidence, you're not fully maximizing your potential.
If there's something about your body that you're dissatisfied with (for instance, you feel you could do without an extra 10 pounds or want to tone up), do something about it. Just working out 2-3 times a week and cutting out junk food from your diet can bring about dramatic changes. Not only that, working out also helps to increase your overall confidence level and is a great stress reliever.
If you're not ready for a major lifestyle overhaul, start small, with maybe about 1-2 workouts each week, and cutting one unhealthy food item or eating habit from your diet each week and replacing it with something healthier. Incorporate one small change each week, until you feel you are at a point where you feel you are satisfied.
In my next post, I'll discuss instant changes you can make to your thinking and behavior that will help to create lasting change and help to increase your overall attraction level with men!
- About.com - Flattering Haircuts for Face Shapes
- How to Be Irresistible to Men Part II
- How to Be Irresistible to Men Part III
My boyfriend and I got in to a huge fight recently, and it was all because of Facebook. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it for you. We have been dating for a year now, and everything was going well until recently. Ironically enough, we got together mainly because of Facebook. We had known each other since high school, but had lost touch after graduation. Then he found me on Facebook, we started talking again, and eventually started dating.
Things were going so well until about a month ago. I'm not that active on Facebook, so I barely log in. I logged in about a month ago and went to his page. I saw SO many girls on there (most of whom I do not know or that he's never mentioned) leaving flirty comments on his page. I brought it up with him, and he acted like it was no big deal, so we ended up getting in to an argument about it. I can't see their pages (I don't have them saved as a friend), but I know he's commenting them back, and the comments from them seem to me like he must be flirting with them when he responds.
He said he is hiding nothing, that they are just friends, that's it's "harmless fun," and that I'm being dramatic. I told him to give me his password and log in to his account if he is hiding nothing. He completely refuses, and says that I am being crazy. The fact that he won't do it just to prove to me that he isn't hiding anything makes me feel that he IS hiding something, and that I can't trust him. I've been giving him the silent treatment on and off for the past few weeks, and when we do talk, we argue about it.
I am so pissed, but some of my friends say that I'm overreacting. They say a little harmless flirtation is nothing, and that he's just flirting online, so it doesn't matter anyway. It bothers me because we reconnected through Facebook, so what's to say he won't end up hooking up with one of his "friends" through the same site? What should I do??
One Peeved Girlfriend
A. Dear Peeved Gf,
You are going about this all the wrong way. Yes, you do have a right to be upset about the situation, but overreacting isn't the way to solve the problem. From your boyfriend's standpoint (whether he is innocent or not), he probably thinks there is no reason to be upset because it's just "harmless fun." You have to take into consideration if he is a naturally flirty person in "real life" to begin with. If he is, he may just be telling the truth, that it's just the way he interacts with people, and that there's nothing to worry about.
However, if in person he is more reserved and isn't normally flirty, as well as doesn't have many female friends in real life, then there might be a cause for concern. Short of trying to crack his email password and/or snooping through his stuff, though (which personally I wouldn't recommend), you will need to first let him know the reason why you were upset in the first place.
When you're discussing anything that your boyfriend - or anyone, for that matter - has done to upset you, the best way to get results out of the discussion is to discuss things calmly. It may be very difficult, but they're more likely to hear you out than if you were to yell, scream, and/or accuse them of things. You should calmly explain the reasons why his behavior has upset you, and do it in a non-confrontational way.
For instance, if he's normally a reserved person, but then is suddenly so "socially active" on Facebook, point that out to him in a calm manner. Also let him know that you became angry and upset because the two of you reconnected through Facebook, and that made you feel insecure that he might be out there "searching" again. Ask him if he could try to be less flirtatious online, because it gives off the impression of him being a single guy, which is the real reason you became upset.
If your discussion with him is still met with indifference, and there is no attempt on his part to alter his behavior, or try to be understanding and see things from your point of view, you'll have to re-evaluate why you are truly so upset in the first place. Are you secretly thinking that he might be cheating on you (chatting with and hooking up with girls through online)? If that's what you're fearing, re-evaluate his behavior offline. Has he been acting different, receiving strange texts and calls? When he isn't with you, has he been inconsistent with telling you where he's been, what's he doing, or who he's with? If nothing else in his behavior has been strange, you may just have to take his word that the online flirting is just harmless.
If it still annoys you, the only other option may be to give him a taste of his own medicine. If you're comfortable with this, start by posting sexy pictures of yourself (or ones of you and your friends out and about on the town) on Facebook, making one of them your profile picture. I'm not saying skanky, practically naked photos, either, but something more risque or sexy that you would not mind posting if you were single. Become more active on there, post more comments on male friend's pages (preferably attractive ones) to get responses.
If he is innocent, and his activity on Facebook and comments to female friends were purely just harmless online flirting, he most likely won't pay attention to any of the changes you've made on there. However, if he does have something to hide (whether it be he finds these girls on there attractive and are viewing them as potential people to date if he were single, or, worst case scenario, he's been seeing one of them without your knowledge), he'll most likely notice the changes you've made, and say something about it. People who are guilty of something usually always assume that other people are either the same way as them, or are behaving in the same manner (it could be a manifestation of their own guilt). If he pipes up and says that he doesn't like it, let him know it's just "harmless fun." He should get the picture and scale back on his Facebook activities.
If he doesn't seem to notice and is still oblivious, you'll just need to try to find a way to accept his Facebook behavior. If you don't notice a change in him offline, it may just be what he's saying it is, which is harmless fun.
Best of luck!
I have a problem. I have a friend (let's call her Melissa) who recently broke up with her boyfriend (who I'll call John) not too long ago, about 2 months ago. Before they got together, I had had a crush on John, but after they started dating, I had buried my feelings and was supportive of their relationship. I always had a feeling he was kind of interested in me, though, since when we'd all hang out, he would be extra attentive and sometimes flirty with me. I never reciprocated his flirtation, though, since he was dating my friend.
Well, after they broke up, John started calling me because he was sad and needed a friend (she had broken up with him). We went to hang out a few times, but it was just as friends; I haven't told Melissa about it. The last time we hung out, we were by ourselves, and he kissed me and told me that he'd liked me for the longest time, even when he was still with Melissa. He wants for us to date, but I told him I'd need to think about things first since Melissa is one of my closest friends.
There's more to the story, though...Melissa had started hooking up with John's friend a few weeks after they broke up. His friend goes to a college a few hours away, and after her and John broke up, she started coming down there every few weeks or so, and her and the friend would hook up. I have a feeling it may have even started before her and John broke up, but I don't know for sure. John, of course, has no idea that Melissa and his friend have been hooking up.
My question is, should I date John? And if so, how should I tell Melissa? I value our friendship, but at the same time, she is already hooking up with John's friend, so she doesn't really have a right to get mad, right? I really like him, but I also don't want this to end our friendship. What should I do??
Tired of Secrets
A. Dear Secret Keeper,
Sounds like you guys are living in a soap opera! This is a pretty messy situation, and no matter what you decide to do, someone is going to get hurt. You said your friend Melissa is currently seeing her ex's friend; whether or not she is, it still won't take away from the fact that you are her friend, and she will still feel betrayed that you haven't been upfront with her about you and John spending time together.
Putting aside the fact that Melissa has also been keeping secrets, the most important thing you need to consider is your friendship with her; you'll need to decide if it's worth risking it to take a chance with John. There's no right or wrong answer, but you need to be prepared for the (very real) possibility that she won't take the news well that you've been spending time with him, and also have feelings for him.
No matter what you decide, you need to come clean with Melissa and tell her that you and her ex have been spending time together. Even if you decide not to date him, you should tell her anyway, because if she doesn't hear from you, she'll most likely still hear about it from someone else, which would be more damaging to your friendship in the long run.
If you've decided you want to pursue dating him, tell her the news one on one. At no point should you bring up the fact that she is hooking up with John's friend, because it'll seem as if you are trying to justify your actions. Let her know that you didn't plan this and that you value her friendship, and that you hope she can understand your feelings for him just grew. If she asks why you weren't upfront with her (and she will), let her know it was because you didn't want to upset her. Before telling her, you should also let John know to give him a heads up, because she'll most likely ask him about it afterwards, too.
Anyhow, best of luck!
1) The Melting Pot - This is the perfect romantic date spot for those who love a private atmosphere, and eating decadent, delicious food designed for sharing with a date. Located in Addison, TX (a suburb of North Dallas County known for its great restaurants and buzzing with a busy nightlife), The Melting Pot is Dallas's most famous fondue restaurant.
It is dimly lit, with a cozy, private feel perfect for romantic first dates. Its location is also perfect for those looking for things to do after dinner, since Addison is packed with bars, lounges, clubs and also The Improv comedy club down the street.
The menu has a great selection of pre-seasoned cuts of meats (ranging from beef, pork, and chicken), to seafood (including lobster tail and shrimp) and fresh vegetables, that can be dipped into a variety of award-winning, delicious cheese blends seasoned with roasted garlic or tomato pesto.
Rounded out with a mouthwatering dessert fondue menu (different fruits, marshmallows, cakes or brownies for dipping in a wide range of chocolate fondue creations) and an impressive wine list, The Melting Pot easily satisfies your appetite for all things hot, melty, and cheesy, with style!
2) Studio Movie Grill - With five locations around the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex area (in Addison, Plano, central Dallas, Lewisville and west of Dallas in Arlington), this is the place to go to fulfill your "dinner and a movie" date night requirements, all in one sitting.
It has individual chair seating in a roomy stadium-room set-up, or you can opt for the corner booth tables towards the back if you prefer to have more privacy.
The menu has casual restaurant favorites, such as burgers, pizzas, quesadillas, BBQ ribs and nachos (my favorite is the Garlic Chicken Pizza). The drink menu includes a selection of bar drinks (including wells and mixed drinks such as Cosmopolitans, and a variety of margharitas).
Food, drink, and your favorite summer blockbuster on the screen...what else do you need for a great date night? (Besides a great date!)
3) 300Dallas - A laidback atmosphere with an upscale feel, this "bowling alley" is so much more than just that. Located in Addison, TX, it incorporates several forms of entertainment (such as bowling, pool, sports bars, as well as an arcade) with dining and a full-service bar.
Looking for a way to get your adrenaline pumping and break the ice on a first date? How about "X-treme Bowling"? A different kind of bowling that combines bowling and clubbing into one exciting and highly enjoyable experience, "Xtreme Bowling" has guests bowling with glow-in-the-dark balls and pins, with the latest music videos playing in the background, and pins that light up in tune with the music, while lights flash around the bowling area.
The menu has casual, upscale dining fare that includes Crab Cakes, Thai Chili Wings, Grilled Quesadillas and Vietnamese Summer Rolls. The full-service bar serves specialty cocktails, as well as a full range of wells and mixed drinks.
4) Outdoor shopping centers. Dallas is famously known for being a great city to indulge in one's shopping whims and desires, with numerous malls and outdoor shopping centers at almost every turn and in almost every suburban area. The outdoor shopping centers that are becoming increasingly popular around Dallas are also a great place for first dates, as many incorporate both entertainment and shopping, and are increasingly becoming great centers for nightlife and fine dining. Many have small "park-like" areas, with water fountains, benches, and picnic areas that are wonderful for romantic strolls at night. Grab dinner or lunch, maybe do some window shopping, catch a movie, and then end the night with a few drinks at a trendy watering hole in a posh urban area, all without having to drive around town.
Some of my favorite outdoor shopping centers in Dallas are:
a) Mockingbird Station. My absolute favorite outdoor shopping center in Dallas, from shopping to dining to entertainment, Mockingbird Station has it all. Conveniently located 15 minutes from downtown Dallas (close to many of Dallas's bars and clubs), Mockingbird Station is filled with shops, restaurants, bars, and also has the Angelika Film Center, a theater that screens many independent and foreign films you won't find in regular multiplex theaters. Shops and restaurants line the 1st floor of this retail-residential complex (with modern lofts on the top floors).
Dining choices range from sushi (at Reikyu), to Tex-Mex (Martini Ranch has a casual atmosphere and a great selection of martinis and margharitas), to casual cafe fare (at Cafe Express).
Round out your night with drinks at either Martini Ranch (which has late night bar hours) or Trinity Hall Irish Pub, a quaint bar with Irish charm and an Irish drink and food menu to boot, as well as the occasional live music act playing on Saturday nights.
b) Southlake Town Center. Located in the heart of Southlake, TX (a rapidly developing, affluent suburb 30 minutes west of Dallas), this shopping center incoporates elements of an idyllic town square with an urban outdoor shopping mecca. Since first opening in 1999, Southlake Town Center has been expanded multiple times, and now includes 90 stores and has a variety of events held each year. (This is also where my boyfriend and I had our first date.)
Dining choices range from Italian (Brio Tuscan Grille and Campania Pizza & More) to Japanese (Kobeya Japanese Hibachi & Sushi) to upscale (Truluck's Seafood Steak and Crabhouse). There are also casual dining restaurants (Five Guys Burgers & Fries and Mi Cocina) and other Asian dining options (Pei Wei Asian Diner and Thai Chili).
You can chill on the square after dinner, catch a movie at Harkins Theater, or grab a drink at The Wine Loft or X's & O's Sporting Tavern (Snuffers Restaurant and Bar is also open late on weekends).
c) West Village. Located in central Dallas right around the corner from uptown, West Village blends sophisticated nightlife with fine dining (as well as great shopping), in an upscale shopping center that looks more like a miniature town in and of itself. With small streets in between the multi-story residential-retail blend buildings, West Village has many cafes and restaurants with outdoor dining areas that take full advantage of its citystreet environment.
Tom Tom Asian Grill is an Asian fusion restaurant with a wide variety of Asian dishes that includes fresh Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, & Thai offerings. The Village Burger Bar is a casual restaurant with a selection of burgers, panini sandwiches, appetizers and sides that will forfill your cravings for all-American fare. Or, for an upscale dining experience, check out The Fish Restaurant & Sushi Bar, which includes sushi or noodle dishes, American choices such as New York Strip or Braised Short Ribs, or Asian-American blended dishes such as Ribeye Rolls (grilled ribeye stuffed with creamy avocado). Share some dessert with your date at Paciugo Gelato, which serves a wide range of authentic Italian ice cream and premium gourmet coffees.
After dinner, you can catch a flick at the Magnolia, West Village's independent and foreign film theater (similar to the Angelika Film Center in Mockingbird Station), or grab drinks at any of many restaurants and bars, including Lazare or Cru Wine Bar. The beautiful lights that light up the streets of the West Village shopping center at night also make it the perfect setting for romantic strolls to cap off the night.
4) Draw her in. When you first meet a woman you're attracted to, don't tell her your whole life story. Yea, you've heard it before, but it is true -- women love mysterious men. Now, I'm not saying you need to put on a cheesy act or "front" to win her over; just reveal things about yourself slowly in the beginning. As mentioned in my previous post, get her to talk more about herself in your first few interactions. Tell her about yourself, but during your first few encounters, let the focus be more on her. After awhile, she will be most likely itching to know more about you, and that's when you can slowly start to reel her in.
5) Don't act impressed by her attractiveness. Attractive women have men drooling over them all the time; the ones who stand out to them are the ones who don't act bowled over by their beauty. I'm not saying you should act as if you think she's unattractive, or to outright insult her in some way; what I'm saying is to learn how to keep your cool when you're around her.
Flirt with her and show that you're attracted to her, but learn how to balance it. Don't put her on a pedestal above you as someone who is unattainable. By doing so, you help to level the playing field. This can also subconciously give her the impression that you're comfortable being around attractive women all the time, and will help to increase your "status" in her mind.
6) Show confidence. Swagger. Show her that you know you're the sh-t, that you believe in yourself. Act as if you have something to offer her, and she will believe it. There are few women out there who aren't attracted to confident men. There's no way to truly become more confident instantly, but acting as if you were - whether or not you feel it - is a great start. As the saying goes, fake it 'til you make it!
As you start interacting with more and more women and slowly start becoming more comfortable around them, it'll start to show in your interactions, and your confidence level will rise. Knowing not to take rejection personally is important; with the good comes the bad, and understanding that rejection is all a part of the dating game is key.
Have fun, and good luck! ;)
- How to Instantly Improve Your Image & Attraction Level With Women
- How to Instantly Improve Your Image & Attraction Level With Women Part II
In my previous post, I discussed for the guys how to make some external changes that would help to instantly improve your image and attraction level with women. Today, my focus will be on the internal changes you can make that will instantly increase your skills in conversing and interacting with women. This second part will be split into two parts.
Some instant changes you can make to your behavior and thinking to attract women are:
1) Learn interactive listening. Contrary to what you may think, you don't need to be the smoothest talker in order to impress a woman. For guys who do not have much experience conversing with and/or approaching women, you should know that almost every person, whether man or woman, loves to talk about themselves. If they're shy, it will just take some drawing out on your part. For the majority, though, if you just learn the skill of interactive listening, you'll have the person walking away from the conversation thinking you are the most brilliant person they've ever met, even if you've barely said a word!
Interactive listening means asking questions and giving feedback to what the other person is saying. For instance, let's say you are talking to a woman you've just met and are wanting to get to know better. She tells you that she's not from around here.
Here is a sample dialogue:
Her:"I'm not originally from around here."
You: "Oh really? So, where are you originally from?"
Her: "I moved here from New York about 5 years ago."
You: "So, you're a Yank, eh? It must have been quite the culture shock, moving all the way down here to Texas!"
Her: "Haha no, I actually like it down here. It's a lot slower paced lifestyle than in New York. I love New York, but the lifestyle is way too hectic."
You: "So, what brought you to Texas? Work, or you just couldn't resist the charm of us Southern boys?"
Her: "Hahaha don't get ahead of yourself, now! Actually, it was work; initially I thought the move would be bad, but now that I'm here, I'm so glad I decided to make the move. It's very different here, and the people are certainly more laidback and open, such as you!"
Notice how in the sample dialogue, you let her do most of the talking, but you ask the right questions to keep the conversation flowing and get her to open up. By peppering in a few phrases that incorporate teasing and playful swagger (which will be mentioned later), you're also using other techniques to increase her interest.
Interactive listening makes the other person feel that you find them interesting, which makes them feel good about themselves, which in turn, makes them feel good about you. This can be used not only with women, but also when looking to make new friends or business contacts (you would adjust it of course when using for friends and business partners to leave out the flirtation).
2) Tease/knock her. Women respond better initially to teasing from a guy than she would to cheesy lines or emotionally-charged overtures. As mentioned in my post on how to leave the friend zone with a woman, when teasing her, learn how to tease her on things that are somewhat within her control, and don't make her look foolish. The different types of teasing humor you could use are:
a) Straightforward teasing
b) Being cocky
c) The "backhanded compliment"
Here are a few examples of straightforward teasing:
Say you've just met a woman at a club. You are at the bar next to her, and see that she's ordered a shot of a strong shot, such as a 4 Horsemen. You could say, "That's a pretty strong shot. You sure you can handle that? You're pretty small, they're gonna have to carry you out with that one."
Or, if you are out playing tennis with friends and spot a hot girl on the court who you want to approach. You could say, "Hey, I saw you playing, and you're pretty fast, but, you could use some help with that backhand stroke." A comment such as this will probably be met with a challenge, so if you use this method, make sure you at least know the basics of whatever activity or sport it is that you're challenging her on (you won't necessarily need to win, just know what the heck you are talking about).
An example of using cocky teasing is to position yourself as "superior" to her in some way. The above example is also an example of this. Here's another one: say the cute girl from one of your classes is telling you or friends about an internship she just got. You could say, "Congratulations; you know you only got that one though because I didn't apply, right? I didn't want to unfairly disqualify you or any of the other people."
An example of a backhanded compliment could be something harmless and funny. Say a girl you've had your eye on for awhile has just gotten a new bob (or short chin-length) haircut. You could tell her, "Nice haircut; you're the most attractive Q-tip I've ever seen!"
3) Sincerely compliment her. The thing that most men trip on when giving women (real) compliments is on the timing, and on what they are complimenting her on. Telling a woman she is beautiful is too typical if she is obviously attractive and you know she gets hit on often. Complimenting her on something else, something she is either proud of or shows that you've been paying attention, will score you more points.
You should also wait to give her compliments. When first interacting with a woman, starting off with teasing, humor, or something neutral would be better for you than diving right in to complimenting her; she'll just assume right off the bat that you're trying to hit on her. If possible, wait until your second or third interaction with her before giving her a compliment. When you do, compliment her on something someone else might miss, such as telling her how perceptive she is. Or, complimenting her on other traits, such as her intelligence or great taste, would be good. Whatever you compliment her on, make sure you mean it. Women are very perceptive and can usually tell when a man is BS-ing her or has a hidden agenda.
In my next post, I'll continue my discussion on more changes you can instantly make that will help you improve your skills in the dating game!