Apr 16, 2009

The Friend Zone

As most guys probably know, one of the worst things that can happen for them when pursuing a woman is to fall into the dreaded "friend zone." I'm talking about "actual" friend zone here, like, call you up at 12 am after a bad date, bitch about her boyfriend, wax on about that cute guy at work, complain about how there are no decent guys available when you are standing right in front of her, kind of friend zone. The kind of friend that she can talk to like one of the girls, kind of friend. It's a cruel irony in life that usually one of the best guys for a woman is the last guy she would probably want to date.

Straight guys USUALLY only stay close friends with a woman for one of three reasons:

1) He has the hots for her and hopes that one day, she will wake up and realize that he is the one.
2) She has many hot girl friends, and can potentially hook him up with one of them.
3) He genuinely sees her as a friend and enjoys her company as JUST a friend and nothing more (in this scenario, he likely feels no physical attraction, and sees her as just one of the guys).

So, how do you get out of the friend zone, you ask? It will take some patience and self control, but it is possible. Today I'll discuss first and foremost, how to get yourself out of the friend zone with a friend you like (FYL), and will explain later how to get her to see you in a "dateworthy" light. Be forewarned, though, that by using the methods here, you will be risking the friendship you have with the FYL, and, if things don't go as planned, the friendship as you know it may be gone forever. In most cases, though, a guy will only become that invested in a girl when he has the intent of pursuing her anyway, and once he knows there is no chance, will back off from the friendship simply because it is too hard being around her...so really, what is there to lose?

The 2 first steps in removing yourself from the friend zone are:

1) Start making yourself less available. This one will be difficult, if anything because it has become a sheer habit for you to be there for the FYL with any emergency, no matter how minor. There is something to be distinguished here - conversations or contact from your friend regarding issues other than dating are fine, as long as you are not so readily available at the drop of a hat...treat her as you would any other guy friend or girl friend whom you have no romantic interest in. Be a good friend, but don't go overboard. Don't be so easily available when she needs someone to talk with about her current dating problems, discuss her current woes over a new guy, and what not. Most guys think this is the perfect opportunity for them to zero in and "steal" a girl away from the guy she is currently seeing, by bashing the other guy and telling her how he is a bad catch, and that it will never work out. Sometimes, it does work, but, more often than not, you are only hurting yourself by cementing your status as one of her "male girlfriends."

Some might say this is a cruel thing to do, to "withhold" friendship from a friend, but really, the only person you should be most readily available to is your actual girlfriend, not to every friend, and she is just a friend, not your girl. This will start to establish in her mind - albeit subconsciously - that you have your own priorities and life, and may not always be around for her.

2) Don't be afraid to show interest in other females in her presence. This second tip here is to be used with caution...it should ONLY be used if you have made VERY clear your feelings for her. If she is aware that you are interested, but has given you the typical lines, such as, "I don't want to ruin the friendship," "I just got out of a relationship, now isn't really the time," or some other kind of dodgy answer that did not shoot down all possibility entirely, then you should proceed with this second one. It may sound like game playing or juvenile tactics to show interest in, or flirt with, other females in front of a FYL, but it actually establishes in her mind - in the case that she already knows your feelings towards her - that you are not just hung up on her, and have other options available to you.

An even more interesting point here is that the more attractive the girl is who is flirting with or showing interest in you, the more likely this will have an impact on her. This is obvious because it ups your attractiveness quotient in HER eyes, no matter how significant or insignificant it may be. It's immature, I know, but it is true that women will oftentimes judge a man by the quality of the women he attracts/dates...the better the "quality" of the women, the better his status will be in their eyes.

In my next post, I'll discuss how to take the friendship to the next level. Because you and your FYL already have a rapport with each other, there's no need to start from scratch when getting to know one another, a plus side of being in the friend zone ;)

Related post:

The Friend Zone (Part II)

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